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It's a little scary,
isn't it? I've not been here long but it seems like
a year since I came here looking for facts. Not
truth, just facts. The facts were so glaringly
blatant that the truth just slapped me in the face
with a real sting. I couldn't believe what I was
reading about Maharaji and Elan Vital, except for
one thing, Michael Donner and Dettmers. I knew
Donner from his initiator time and I knew he was a
very sincere person. I only knew Dettmer from
reputation, but it was a solid reputation.
Their words rang true, as did the others who
post here. Still, it was hard for me to begin to
know how deep the deception goes. And definitely,
the deception of the heart is the hardest to
overcome. I struggle with it everyday, some more
than others.
I'm continually surprised how bare I feel in
facing the world. Knowledge was like those
expensive cashmere-type shawls M gives the
instructors. Those pashima (sp) things. It wrapped
me up so wherever I went, it was with me, so I
thought and felt, giving me license to blaze
through the world. Yesterday I met a young mother,
less than thirty years old, who went for a doctor's
appointment and was thrown into the hospital for
chemo, radiation and major organ removal. I saw the
look on the doctor's face and heard her sobs as he
left the room.
In the past, that feeling , you know the one,
would bolster itself up, and on I'd go, meeting
such a situation head on. But there I sat,
thinking, ' Great, what do I have to offer this
girl? I can't tell her the lord of universe is
here, don't worry, take this knowledge, it will
show you the preciousness of your life.' No
sireeee, not anymore. So I just asked the universe
for something, cuz I don't even know what's in me
anymore. I just went and talked to her. I let her
talk, and talk, and talk, and talk some more.
Disability check was cut off. No problem, get the
social worker on it. Have to stay for six weeks as
out patient in a Ronald McDonald type house. No
problem, acutally I think it's a big problem and
the hospital is insane, and I'm working on that
one, but lets just get her food everyday cuz she
can't cook her own. Catholic church? They don't do
that anymore. Well someone is come hell or high
water. Her family is two hours away and her
children are going crazy without her. So she gets
to come here and stay by herself undergoing these
treatments in a stange town totally alone. Her
mother told her, 'If god wants you, he'll take you.
If he doesn't he won't. You have to put your faith
in god.' Of course, I'm asking things like where do
you live and work, what water do you drink?
It's insidious how deep all this goes.
Everything we've been gets thrown for a bit of a
loop. It's impossible to 'just walk away' like we
got a bad meal at a restaurant and we just push the
chair back from the table. It's a little deeper
than that. I'm just glad people post here because
their perspective and honesty and humor help me
enormously. It gives me hope, that I'm not as alone
as I feel without M and knowledge.
Now the earth and flowers are calling me. Dirt
is calling me. I'm gardening these days and having
a big closet clean out.
None of my family, and none of my friends, as
much as they care about me, can know what I've gone
and am still going through. But everyone here does.
Just your sharing reaffirms that what I feel is
normal, because we all feel such similar things
after finding out these facts.
Thank you for being brave and typing your very
first words. It's a courageous act.
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