Cynthia -:- Captain Rawat: Liar of all Liars -:- Wed, Feb 28, 2001 at 00:27:33 (GMT)

__ Joe -:- Maharaji/Charanand/Abortion -:- Wed, Feb 28, 2001 at 19:31:12 (GMT)

__ __ Cynthia -:- Maharaji/Charanand/Abortion -:- Wed, Feb 28, 2001 at 20:31:54 (GMT)

__ __ __ Joe -:- Maharaji/Charanand/Abortion -:- Fri, Mar 02, 2001 at 01:29:48 (GMT)

__ __ __ Connie -:- Dreams turned to ashes -:- Thurs, Mar 01, 2001 at 04:14:07 (GMT)

__ __ __ janet -:- secrets kill. out the father and fuck the storm -:- Wed, Feb 28, 2001 at 22:58:56 (GMT)

__ New-Age Redneck -:- Superb post, Cynthia! -:- Wed, Feb 28, 2001 at 17:09:17 (GMT)

__ Marianne -:- Captain Rawat: Liar of all Liars -:- Wed, Feb 28, 2001 at 15:23:44 (GMT)

__ Patrick (formerly Anon) -:- Free the slaves! 'Gloria in excelsis Omnes!' -:- Wed, Feb 28, 2001 at 15:07:45 (GMT)

__ __ Bin Liner -:- Bravo Patrick , that made me weep too -:- Thurs, Mar 01, 2001 at 01:54:37 (GMT)

__ __ Been There -:- Free the slaves! (Dying parents) -:- Wed, Feb 28, 2001 at 20:33:40 (GMT)

__ __ Pat Conlon -:- 'Gloria in excelsis Omnes!' Hallelujah and amen -:- Wed, Feb 28, 2001 at 18:15:11 (GMT)

__ __ Cynthia -:- To Patrick (formerly Anon) and everyone... -:- Wed, Feb 28, 2001 at 17:18:45 (GMT)

__ __ __ Pat Conlon -:- and I will always be grateful to you, Cynthia -:- Wed, Feb 28, 2001 at 18:17:25 (GMT)

__ __ __ __ Cynthia -:- You're a sweetie, Pat Conlon, a big hug (nt) -:- Wed, Feb 28, 2001 at 18:51:31 (GMT)

__ __ la-ex -:- Paatrick, Great Post! Heartfelt,wonderful...nt -:- Wed, Feb 28, 2001 at 15:39:03 (GMT)

__ __ __ G -:- Yes, a very moving post, well said ...nt -:- Wed, Feb 28, 2001 at 16:58:21 (GMT)

__ __ __ Happy -:- Great post! -:- Wed, Feb 28, 2001 at 16:57:10 (GMT)

__ __ __ __ Kelly -:- Great posts Cynthia and Patrick -:- Wed, Feb 28, 2001 at 20:35:02 (GMT)

__ __ __ __ __ Postie -:- Cynthia and PatAnon - thanks for the intensity! nt -:- Thurs, Mar 01, 2001 at 04:22:25 (GMT)

__ Francesca -:- WOW, Cynthia! I've got tears in my eyes. -:- Wed, Feb 28, 2001 at 04:41:57 (GMT)

__ Brian Smith -:- Captain Rawat: Liar of all Liars / WOW -:- Wed, Feb 28, 2001 at 03:03:30 (GMT)

__ Barry -:- Good stuff Cynthia! Let it out! -:- Wed, Feb 28, 2001 at 01:36:49 (GMT)

__ __ janet -:- i'll take one.I'll pulverize the fucker -:- Wed, Feb 28, 2001 at 02:52:50 (GMT)

__ __ Cynthia -:- Lord Bufflebutt--Punch Him Out! -:- Wed, Feb 28, 2001 at 02:12:11 (GMT)

__ __ __ Barry -:- OK then! I'll let all know when it's done.(nt) -:- Wed, Feb 28, 2001 at 21:38:05 (GMT)

Date: Wed, Feb 28, 2001 at 00:27:33 (GMT)
From: Cynthia
Email: None
To: Everyone
Subject: Captain Rawat: Liar of all Liars
Message:

Hello Everyone,

I've been catching up on the threads because I was away for over a week. The most intense and telling was the thread about the coordinator's meeting in Atlantic City started by Joe. It's so clear to me now how much of a liar and hypocrit Captain Rawat has been all along.

I've been trying to re-write my journey. (I had posted one many months ago and had it removed). I'm having a very difficult time with it emotionally because there is so much to tell and process. Reading about what CR (Captain Rawat) said about marriage and relationships is beyond my comprehension. I was in a relationship in 1976, the year I received K. I became pregnant and had an abortion based on extreme pressure from the father's family, as well as advice from Charanand.

What angers me most about the contradictions CR made about marriage vs. being in the ashram is that I had that abortion--against my will and desires at that time which were based upon a belief that CR was against abortions. After the break up of the relationship, I was emotionally devastated. So, as I do so well, I dissociated, convinced myself that I was put upon this earth to serve ONLY HIM, and made plans to join the 'shram, which I did.

After about a year in the DECA project, which caused me to have both an emotional and physical breakdown, I was placed in the DLM offices in Miami part-time. I worked exclusively on processing divorces with a DLM attorney. In Florida at the time divorces had only a three month cooling-off period, so it was relatively easy for premies with no children to have a no-fault divorce.

It was a divorce mill--nothing less. I processed countless divorces so premies could move into the ashram--right out of DLM headquarters in Miami! Brainwashed as I was, it didn't bother me so much that childless couples wanted to divorce in order to move into the ashram. But there were several couples who had children and went ahead with their divorces so that one of the parents of those children could be free to live in the ashram. It was during the height of the 707 project and CR needed many bodies to work for him.

The thread about that Atlantic City meeting with CR was so poignant and intense at the same time for me. I always considered myself a devotee, a gopi and every moment I spent in the ashram I obeyed the rules. Sure, I had crushes on a couple of men in the community, especially after I was shipped to Gainesville, FL, but I was so confused, disoriented, and deeply saddened to have been rejected by CR. And I never followed through on any sexual desires because CR had made it abundantly clear that the ashram life was a lifetime commitment.

I remember weeping every day because I had been near CR so much and considered him to be my lord. I was thrown away because I became useless to him. Now I know all of that was a lie.

One of the most difficult things about CR's cult was the way in which he implemented changes. He intentionally changed courses in his ''mission'' in order to keep everyone under his control. I experienced great pain and suffering whenever he switched directions (which was often). His contradictions always had to be rationalized, yet I wasn't supposed to be in my mind. That left me and I'm sure many other premies in a state of confusion, while we lived our lives as devotees of a liar.

How could I have reconciled all of this? I dissociated. I tried so hard to keep up with CR's ever changing rules, his contradictions, his ability to keep me from thinking for myself and, most important, his creepily clever schemes which kept all of the premies in a constant flux, never able to question, doubt, or look at our lives as OUR LIVES.

We didn't live rational lives. I know I didn't. We lived for him and him alone. We were told not to think, but it was okay to judge eachother based on our levels of devotion, vis a vis, our contact with the outside world, our human relationships, both friendships and intimate partnerships, versus our view of others' devotion to CR.

Maharaji is the most hateful creature I have ever met and that includes my abusive father. With full awareness of what he was doing to innocent people, he drained premies of all resources: love for our families, love for intimate partners, love of our natural impulses as human beings to live and learn in this world, to function properly. His training, his mind fuck so we would accept his contradictions and contant changing of the rules in order to keep us confused and faithful to HIM has caused me so much emotional suffering.

I don't know if I can ever forgive him for the mind fuck he inflicted upon me and all of the premies. I feel very sad today after reading the posts that expressed the anguish he put us through. He is an unforgivable fuckhead.

I am emotionally drained from my trip to see my family, my Mother's Alzheimers is getting worse, and now I come back to this site, where my other family, the ex-premies, are trying to sort all of this craziness out so we can heal anad live somewhat ''normal'' lives.

I cannot think of any adjectives to properly describe CR today. He is so evil it's beyond my own comprehension. I remember a program when CR said that when one is faced with evil (he meant our lives, our minds), run as fast as you can in the opposite direction.

Well, I guess that's the only good advice he ever gave me. He is evil and I am running as fast as I can, emotionally, physically, and spiritually from this enormous lump of evil who clutched my heart and soul and stepped on it like it was so much shit.

Maharaji is an evil person. He has no conscience. He doesn't know what love is. All cR knows is greed and usery--there he is a master, an expert.

I want to thank everyone for contributing so much of yourselves to this forum. I need this support so much. I am trying to write my journey and it's taking time. I just cannot force it because I refuse to inflict more harm upon myself in the process of healing from this heinous cult.

To all of you EV ''Monitors'' fuck you! You are in a cult! To Captain Rawat, FUCK YOU x infinity! You are rotten to the core. You are not only a spoiled brat you are a master of manipulation and human torture.

Shame on you Maharaji, you thief of lives, you conman, you LIAR.

 

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Date: Wed, Feb 28, 2001 at 19:31:12 (GMT)
From: Joe
Email: None
To: Cynthia
Subject: Maharaji/Charanand/Abortion
Message:

Cynthia,

Thanks for that post. But I have a question if you want to talk about it, otherwise that's fine. And it has to do with what you said about Gurucharanand advising you to get an abortion.

Can you explain what he said and his reasons (at least the stated reasons for saying so)?

Part of the reason I say this is because in the early 80s I know of one couple of ashram premies who decided to get married, because the woman was pregnant and because they had been advised that Maharaji was opposed to abortion.

The point here, is that this couple was about the least prepared, and least mature couple I could imagine, and, as expected, the marriage was a disaster, for both of them and for the child.

I was in the ashram myself at the time, and the guy was somewhat of a friend (who I believe follows M to his day, although the woman definitely does not), and I suggested that marriage was not a good idea, and whether they had thought about an abortion. He told me he had been told in no uncertain terms, including by premies who did 'service' at the residence, that M was against abortion and even said something getting an abortion makes one insane.

Of course, now there are stories that Maharaji's mistress has gotten abortions, but I don't know if that actually happened or not, but it seems that M has not retained his opposition to abortion these days.

Can you elaborate?

Joe

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Date: Wed, Feb 28, 2001 at 20:31:54 (GMT)
From: Cynthia
Email: sylviecyn@yahoo.com
To: Joe
Subject: Maharaji/Charanand/Abortion
Message:

Hi Joe,

Charanand didn't advise me personally, he advised the father of my child. Because of Charanand's status in the cult, the pressure to abort the baby was immense. I have to clarify that I am a pro-choice woman, but at that time in my life, I never considered having an abortion; I considered it a child inside of me, intended to carry the child to term, and the entire community knew I was pregnant.

The father of the child is and continues to be a close friend of Charanand. He plays tennis with him a lot, and loves to chauffeur him around. I don't know exactly what Charanand told this man, but the gist of it was that marriage wasn't the way to go, but total surrender to M, and moving into the ashram was the way to go, i.e., I should get an abortion, because if I didn't, the father of the child would have financial responsibilities to the child, and he would not be able to join the ashram. Two weeks after promising to marry me if I aborted the child, he left me a letter saying the relationship was over.

I saw this guy in 1998, prior to my exiting the cult, and all he wanted from me was absolution for his behavior toward me in manipulating me into having that abortion. He didn't want to be my friend, or continue having any contact with me. When I realized he had tricked me again (20 years later) it opened up that can of worms for the first time, because I had buried that chapter of my life for a long time.

Charanand must have thought he was giving this guy good advice, being a good ''Mahatma.'' I remember clearly though, that I went through the darshan line while pregnant and it was at that program that he met up with Charanand because he (the father) was in a real ''bind.'' The disregard for my situation, my belief that M didn't believe in abortions added so much shame and guilt to my emotional state I became enraged for a while. Then I dissociated from the relationship and moved into the ashram. My magical thinking was that M knew of my suffering and was ''rewarding me'' with the request to go down to DECA where I spoke and saw him everday. Bullshit!

So, I worked very hard with my therapist a couple of years ago to heal this part of my life and it was emotionally agonizing. My therapist didn't understand the dynamics of the cult, but agreed with me that I was forced against my will (brainwashing) to have an abortion--I was confused, financially destitute, and his wealthy family also told me I would never receive a penny from them if I had the child. So it was a double whammy. I had pressure from all sides. Even when we went to the clinic to have the abortion, he asked me not to tell anyone there his name (again, his family is very visible in the Hartford community, both financially and politically). His father was a state senator for years, and his younger brother eventually became the Speaker of the House of the State of Connecticut.

I have been having nightmares every night for about 18 months, which are disturbing and awful. The general theme is: a) abandonment by the father of the child and M; b) being seduced by this person again and again and the dreams end with his leaving me; and c) horrible visual pictures of deformed babies, part animal, part human. Awful stuff.

Unless one is a woman, it's difficult to describe what the experience is to abort a baby. Again, I am pro-choice and don't judge anyone who chooses to have an abortion. I'm very liberal on that issue.

Yet, that abortion was forced upon me, and the father of my child's family was very well-to-do, and very visible in Hartford. I could have destroyed their reputation, but I'm not a vengeful person. In fact, I never thought of that at the time, nor did I even realize that he would be financially responsible for the support of the kid if I had had it. I just suffered through the whole thing in silence, prepared to join the ashram, and joined the ashram thinking it would solve all of my problems.

I wonder if anyone else has nighmares about difficult experiences while in the cult. These nightly subconscious uprisings leave me feeling not ashamed (I've gotten over that part), but feeling extremely disturbed (because the dreams are so horrible). I am working on that piece though, because the love I felt for that person in the relationship has left a long lasting wound which obviously isn't completely healed. I don't feel guilty anymore about going through with the abortion, I have forgiven myself. I just wish these terrible dreams would stop.

WhenI found out that while Charanand was advising this person to join the ashram Charanand himself was probably having affairs, I became furious and the whole damned thing was brought right to the surface, and I guess, still is trying to work itself out through my dreams.

Thanks for your concern, Joe. You are very kind to ask, and even though this is a public forum, I have no problem discussing this very personal issue. In fact, I think it's important for those of us who can, to reveal the events of our lives while in the cult.

In retrospect, I am glad I never had that child because it would have tied me to that man for the rest of my life. That doesn't excuse his, Charanand, or M's behavior at the time, but I know it was for the best for me in my future life. Now I have a happy marriage to a wonderful man. We both agreed before we were married that we would not have children (I think we put more thought and consideration into that decision than most people put into HAVING children), and I have many nieces and nephews to love and cherish.

I am very open to discussing this. It's intimate information, as I said, but important to me that those who read about my experience know that I was a brainwashed premie in a cult and was very confused at the time as a result of that cult.

Thanks again for your kindness, Joe,
Love,
Cynthia

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Date: Fri, Mar 02, 2001 at 01:29:48 (GMT)
From: Joe
Email: None
To: Cynthia
Subject: Maharaji/Charanand/Abortion
Message:

Cynthia,

Wow, thanks for that. I am also very much pro-choice, but then I know I will never have to make that choice. But what is so infuriating about what you went through, is not only was the behavior of the boyfriend, and the boyfriend's family outrageous, but because you were in a cult, there was a whole other element that made it all the more difficult to know what to do. You were really victimized, and I'm so sorry. Sounds like you have worked through all of that, so all I can do is thank you and congratulate you.

And Charanand may have had a number of motives for what he did. If you got an abortion and then this guy didn't marry you, Charanand might have gotten him, and his potential money, into the ashram, or flowing in his and Maharaji's direction, more easily.

Joe

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Date: Thurs, Mar 01, 2001 at 04:14:07 (GMT)
From: Connie
Email: None
To: Cynthia
Subject: Dreams turned to ashes
Message:

Dear Cynthia

I have been having terrifying nightmares that I know are due to traumatic episodes in the cult. To the point where I am sometimes too scared to go to sleep. They seem to come night after night, then abate, then surface again.

I am working through those episodes with a therapist and know I will be free one day.

Thanks for telling this very painful episode of your life with such raw emotion, exposing your vulnerability. I respect your courage and integrity.

It makes me cry to read all the posts from everyone else. It has had a big impact, as having just left the cult, I am still used to the exact opposite reaction to disclosures like these.

I will go and look for a funny post now.

love
C

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Date: Wed, Feb 28, 2001 at 22:58:56 (GMT)
From: janet
Email: None
To: Cynthia
Subject: secrets kill. out the father and fuck the storm
Message:

that follows. he deserves it wholly.

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Date: Wed, Feb 28, 2001 at 17:09:17 (GMT)
From: New-Age Redneck
Email: None
To: Cynthia
Subject: Superb post, Cynthia!
Message:

But PLEASE, don't hold back and tell us what you REALLY think! he he he :-)

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Date: Wed, Feb 28, 2001 at 15:23:44 (GMT)
From: Marianne
Email: delores@gofree.indigo.ie
To: Cynthia
Subject: Captain Rawat: Liar of all Liars
Message:

Hello Cynthia. Your post was gut wrenching. I thank you for so eloquently describing what happens when one is thrown out of the guru's inner sanctum.

This tape about ashram living seems to have stirred up lots of dormant feelings for many of us who lived there. It got to me too. One reason the tape is so powerful is that it shows just how much EV and Captain Rawat are misrepresenting the cult's past. They fucked with our heads when we were in there, and they're still trying to do it now by denying what actually happened. I am grateful that Ulf kept these tapes because they do expose the lies that are being told today.

I hope you're doing well. When I read this post, I sent you some good energy. I know it was hard.

Much love, Marianne

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Date: Wed, Feb 28, 2001 at 15:07:45 (GMT)
From: Patrick (formerly Anon)
Email: None
To: Cynthia
Subject: Free the slaves! 'Gloria in excelsis Omnes!'
Message:

Thanks for taking the time to write that Cynthia.

What angers me most about the contradictions CR made about marriage vs. being in the ashram is that I had that abortion--against my will and desires at that time which were based upon a belief that CR was against abortions.

I heard that Maharaji was outspokenly against abortions (it's a very sensitive subject I know). This made it all the more surprising to me when various posters insinuated here that there were premie women who have had abortions on his advice.

I became pregnant and had an abortion based on extreme pressure from the father's family, as well as advice from Charanand.

The more I hear about Charanand the more I go off him. He sounds very, how shall I say, shallow. For a so-called man of principle. No doubt he was just passing on Maharaji's 'everyone should move into the ashram - lose your wives & husbands ' line, and was extending it to 'kill your babies'. This is of course a very serious matter-depending on your views on abortion I guess.

Everyone looked up to Charanand as a 'great saint' -he was treated with great respect. All these instructors who preached celibacy etc. were very hypocritical in their real lives. I have heard from a trusted premie friend that Charanand was successfully seduced by a teenage premie siren circa 1977. I mean - in a way, good for him - at least he broke the rules -but then to preach the opposite to others shows total lack of integrity and character.

every moment I spent in the ashram I obeyed the rules. Sure, I had crushes on a couple of men in the community, especially after I was shipped to Gainesville, FL, but I was so confused, disoriented, and deeply saddened to have been rejected by CR. And I never followed through on any sexual desires because CR had made it abundantly clear that the ashram life was a lifetime commitment.

Me too. I trusted him and followed the rules. Let us not forget that Maharaji also advocated that if you 'aspired' to be in the ashram, you should adopt that lifestyle beforehand if possible. Unfortunately I did. Furthermore I remember hearing him say (when the ashrams closed circa 1981) that the ashram closures didn't mean that as an'ashram premie' you should stop living like one. The implication was still there to remain renunciate. Of course no one did.

The first thing I did (as a 25 year old Scorpionic male who hadn't had sex for years) was to bed the first willing female who came along. I was a bit naive and of course got hooked into a relationship straightaway which didn' t really work out.

I remember weeping every day because I had been near CR so much and considered him to be my lord. I was thrown away because I became useless to him.

Emotions that make us Weep.

I am embarrassed because I stifle a blub in nearly all films - nowadays (since I have babies) that means films like Mr Grinch, The Emporer's New Groove, Dinosaurs etc. Anything that has as a theme the triumph of good over evil, freedom over oppression, is guaranteed to bring up a surge of emotional recognition that this is somehow what I want my life to be about. Last night I watched 'Gladiator' and I could feel myself reaching for my son's plastic armour and sword - I could identify with the noble cause to defeat the corruupt emperor. Films are often about finding and fulfilling a purpose against all odds. That is no coincidence because that is emotionally what lies in our hearts - AND WHAT IS HAPPENING IN OUR DRAMAS.

I know it sounds a bit pathetic but I confess that I used to spend a lot of time silently weeping under my meditation blanket in the ashram. To explain these strong emotions I need to relate some background:

I had first been inspired with love for God as a child. I believe this is a natural and common childhood emotion. I really loved God a lot. Interestingly my 4 year old daughter has expressed the same innocent love (emotion) without any prompting from me. It seems natural to love life when, as a fresh young child, one's innocent heart responds to the beautywe behold in the world in which we arrive.

Anyway, aged 16, after leaving a British public school where I had been primed and was priming myself to be unleashed on the world to fulfill some grand destiny - I got Glandular fever.
I was bed-ridden for 3 or 4 weeks. Prior to this I had been enjoying a dizzying spell of new experiences (girls, sex, copious amounts of LSD, Mescaline, dope and comraderie with friends, playing music etc.).

Being ill suddenly curtailed all this and I found myself in contrasting solitary confinment. It was confronting and gave me time to think deeply about my life which essentially lay as a blank page before me. How should I proceed? - I prayed for guidance -truly begged for whoever, whatever put me here in this marvelous world, to reveal itself so I could achieve a higher purpose. I naturally trusted that this superior power was kindly -that was why I prayed -that was my intuition and of course what my christian mother had believed and lived all her life and impressed upon me. She shone with that belief actually and was a very kind, good ethical woman who had seen and been through a lot in her own life during the war.

At school we were primed to be the best -we were made confidant that we were being given the best 'launch' in life that was available. But I sought an even higher purpose than the career that I was being groomed for. At first I thought this would be by becoming a musician with a message (I was already at this young age an up-and-coming musician). Then I thought that I should find God first then do what ever great thing I had to do -get in touch with the Ultimate Artistic Inspiration.

In short I believed that my destiny would be something really marvelous -I could live a life that reflected the beauty of the creator of the endless universe -the stars that I thrilled to behold from my parents country farm as a child. I wanted my life to be an expression of love to God -a celebration. I needed some experience to replace the drugs through which I had glimpsed ecstacy. I needed someone, like the Jesus of the bible, to return and guide me. Of course there seemed no one like this around and so my intense prayers, my supplications to God for my own revelation, represented an enormous thirst which often made me cry with longing.

Then along comes Maharaji (initially in the guise of John Brauns) and it's a prayer answered. The whole package is there -The opportunity to serve the Living Lord -to dedicate my life - to be given a destiny. So much happiness -so much joy- so much relief- so much hope -so much trust-so much good will.

Later I find myself herded (like the Pied Piper's flock) into the Ashram. Since I am still high on trust I ignore my doubts about the weirdness and inhumaness - I suffer the sacrifices and submit to the regime of stripping away attachments, still hoping in the bottom of my heart - from that same child's heart that had originally cried and longed to know it's source, that my new God (who now has a face and name, lives and gives 'orders') will give me a glorious part to play - he will give me a life. He promised that the ashram was the place to become fulfilled. It all made sense. It was the ONLY way to live as a truly commited follower. He said so. To recieve your Life first you needed to give it. This was the ultimate sacrifice - a leap of faith. Maharaji even used the word sacrifice often to describe the requirements of becoming his ashram premie.

As time goes on, the bleakness and harshness of renunciate life hits home. The only consolation is the Knowledge itself which is disappointingly not enough comfort in these new intensive circumstances. The premies are all behaving weirdly, and my talents, that I had honed for serving God, are not being used. It seems to not be working. Even 'Holy Name' seems to be a feeling that I associate more with long, heavy, all-weekend satsangs, the same old intense faces. Life, my youth, my God-given resources, seem to be slipping by. Maharaji is shouting at us now -bullying us -he seems a little crazy -demanding respect and gratitude. Whatever happened to the happy little boy I had been in my childhood Sussex farm heaven.

So under my meditation blanket, where I privately still communed with my original God, my tears would daily roll. They rolled as I beseached Him to make sense of what had befallen me. When would I be given something to do? Some purpose? They rolled as I struggled to understand why I should not be allowed to see my beloved and dying father, they rolled as I grieved for my devotion to be reciprocated, they rolled as I burst with sincerity and so much to give and yet no opportunity. They rolled as I struggled to keep Maharaji enthroned in my heart as the human representative of the formless God who, from simple gratitude, I had long wished to deeper know.

WAKEY WAKEY! Okay, it's 8.30 am - meditation over -time to go to work -to get money for the ashram and to pay for Maharaji's wants. The real world, the tedium of going to work as a draughtsman in Lowestoft every day, followed by 'Satsang' every night and then weekends of seemingly endless all-day 'Satsang'. Sometimes we in the ashram had given so much money that we could not afford to, and were expected not to even go to the programs that were such cherished opportunities for most to go and see the Master and to relieve the mundanity of their lives. So on went the story until the dream gradually crumbled and a most unexpected reality dawned.

It is for us to turn our frustrations and vengeful feelings to our advantage. To dedicate ourselves with renewed vigour to truthfulness and to Life itself, to take courage in our convictions and to live our own lives with complete integrity. These days I am so envigorated and inspired by having the courage to face the idol that placated my beloved formless God, that I even sense that if there is such a thing as 'Grace' then it will be on my side!

Talking of emotions, I have been writing some music for a video called 'Samadhi' which is a computer generated trip into heaven. In the middle there is a section where I use a King's College choir boy singing the following words (which I composed in pig-latin rather quickly) over a gloriously triumphant and exultant chorus:

'Gloria in excelsis Omnes! Gloria creatore mundi !'

literally - (Glory to everyone in the Highest! Glory to the Creator of the world!)

When I heard it it brought a tear to my eye, as it did to the animator who had to remove his glasses to wipe his eyes!

Let's get back to celebrating the wonder of life without the degenerate sham that Maharaji worship and Knowledge became! Let's take back the power from the priests! Let's have courage to face the powerful oppressors! Let's free the slaves!

(Sorry I really think that Gladiator film got to me!)

Right, this has to be posted now - mistakes and all - no time for spell check -gotta go and pick up kids -and buy my son a new sword to replace the one he broke in battle yesterday.

 

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Date: Thurs, Mar 01, 2001 at 01:54:37 (GMT)
From: Bin Liner
Email: None
To: Patrick (formerly Anon)
Subject: Bravo Patrick , that made me weep too
Message:

....for your father , as well as you .

when you've finished with samadhi , why not get low down & write something to accompany the USMC hymn , which emotionally suits my mood .

It goes:

HYMN , HYMN ...............FUCK HIM .

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Date: Wed, Feb 28, 2001 at 20:33:40 (GMT)
From: Been There
Email: None
To: Patrick (formerly Anon)
Subject: Free the slaves! (Dying parents)
Message:

Wonderful post Patrick. What touched me most was that you were told you couldn't visit your beloved dying father.

Incredible isn't it?

It all comes from the Indian belief in renouncing everything that 'binds' us to this world: parents, children, all people, possessions, and places near and dear. What a bunch of crap!

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Date: Wed, Feb 28, 2001 at 18:15:11 (GMT)
From: Pat Conlon
Email: None
To: Patrick (formerly Anon)
Subject: 'Gloria in excelsis Omnes!' Hallelujah and amen
Message:

Thanks for that wonderful essay which brought a lump to my throat (yes, I also cry in movies) and I would love to see ''Samadhi.''

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Date: Wed, Feb 28, 2001 at 17:18:45 (GMT)
From: Cynthia
Email: None
To: Patrick (formerly Anon)
Subject: To Patrick (formerly Anon) and everyone...
Message:

Patrick, that was an incredible post! Each and everyone of us has our stages of growth. Grief and anger is where I am now as so many memories of my life in that cruel ''world of M'' come to the surface.

Your words:

Let's get back to celebrating the wonder of life without the degenerate sham that Maharaji worship and Knowledge became! Let's take back the power from the priests! Let's have courage to face the powerful oppressors! Let's free the slaves!

reminded me that my life is my own to retrieve from Captain Rotwat, mine to keep for myself, to share with those I choose, and to celebrate my victories, the love in my life.

When I became an aspirant in '75, I was given the service to sing in the Hartford, CT premie band. This service continued until I was sent to Miami in '79. I always received many compliments on my voice and I always said ''It's not me, it's Maharaji!''

I finally realized yesterday that the joy I felt in the expression of music and feeling so much happiness while doing it, was mine, is mine, and will always be mine to own.

It had NOTHING to do with that Captain ROTWAT and his brainwashing yacht-load of lies.

Many thanks to everyone for your love and support. You are my family in a dear way.

Love,
Cynthia

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Date: Wed, Feb 28, 2001 at 18:17:25 (GMT)
From: Pat Conlon
Email: None
To: Cynthia
Subject: and I will always be grateful to you, Cynthia
Message:

as the first ex to respond to me here and tell me that I was not an un-premie but an ex-premie. Thank you.

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Date: Wed, Feb 28, 2001 at 18:51:31 (GMT)
From: Cynthia
Email: None
To: Pat Conlon
Subject: You're a sweetie, Pat Conlon, a big hug (nt)
Message:

nt

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Date: Wed, Feb 28, 2001 at 15:39:03 (GMT)
From: la-ex
Email: None
To: Patrick (formerly Anon)
Subject: Paatrick, Great Post! Heartfelt,wonderful...nt
Message:

nt

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Date: Wed, Feb 28, 2001 at 16:58:21 (GMT)
From: G
Email: None
To: la-ex
Subject: Yes, a very moving post, well said ...nt
Message:

nt

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Date: Wed, Feb 28, 2001 at 16:57:10 (GMT)
From: Happy
Email: None
To: P (formerly A)
Subject: Great post!
Message:

Thanks for writing it.

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Date: Wed, Feb 28, 2001 at 20:35:02 (GMT)
From: Kelly
Email: None
To: Cynthia and Patrick
Subject: Great posts Cynthia and Patrick
Message:

My tears are rolling now! Powerful moving stories. I keep trying to write my journey, and I just keep getting stuck, there's just too much to tell. And anyway people here seem to keep telling aspects of my journey in their own extraordinary stories. I'm resonating in major chords here!
Love and thanks to you both
Kelly

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Date: Thurs, Mar 01, 2001 at 04:22:25 (GMT)
From: Postie
Email: None
To: Cynthia and Patrick
Subject: Cynthia and PatAnon - thanks for the intensity! nt
Message:

nt

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Date: Wed, Feb 28, 2001 at 04:41:57 (GMT)
From: Francesca
Email: None
To: Cynthia
Subject: WOW, Cynthia! I've got tears in my eyes.
Message:

I'm sad that those emotions are in there but I'm glad you're getting some of it out. Use cut and paste and save that post on your hard drive. It's got some good ideas for your journey.

I'm still writing mine, but I don't think I went through a heart wrencher like yours. At this moment my heart bleeds for you--not that that will do any good.

Ulf and Joe, you done good by getting that Atlantic City information out to us. This has been the most meaningful (at least for me) week on the forum. That dark little consciousness hole of an ashram was a place where after a while all I wanted to do was die, where the drones and dronesses fed their little bleak gray dreams that they would one day be with their Lord. All the while (the intuition does NOT lie) knowing that it was never going to happen. Oh yuck.

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Date: Wed, Feb 28, 2001 at 03:03:30 (GMT)
From: Brian Smith
Email: None
To: Cynthia
Subject: Captain Rawat: Liar of all Liars / WOW
Message:

You go girl, That was a great piece of work you just did , I hope it was as good for you as it was for me. I haven't quite gotten into the anger stage yet and you just opened up the pressure valve for me that I have been fumbling for.

Anger is a great release, and a necessary part of the healing process. Hearing you tear into the guts of it like you just did brings to bear the incredible emotional denial that I put myself into for years and brings me another step closer to reclaiming my own life, emotions and sensibilies back.

Watching you cut loose also gives me permission do to the same thing when the time comes.

Thanks

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Date: Wed, Feb 28, 2001 at 01:36:49 (GMT)
From: Barry
Email: None
To: Cynthia
Subject: Good stuff Cynthia! Let it out!
Message:

I actually do alot of mold making in my spare time. Mostly plaster cast stuff, but I'm getting into reverse molds with rubber latex etc... I'm going to be making Lord Mufflebutt blow up punching dolls. You know! Like the old Bozo the clown ones when we were kids! Complete with the squeeky nose. I'll send you one when I finish. Anybody else?

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Date: Wed, Feb 28, 2001 at 02:52:50 (GMT)
From: janet
Email: None
To: Barry
Subject: i'll take one.I'll pulverize the fucker
Message:

keep in touch

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Date: Wed, Feb 28, 2001 at 02:12:11 (GMT)
From: Cynthia
Email: None
To: Barry
Subject: Lord Bufflebutt--Punch Him Out!
Message:

Thanks Barry,

I think one of the healthiest parts of healing is allowing anger to flow, as long as it's directed toward the correct recipient and isn't self-destructive.

Usually I just punch pillows, but your project sounds great!

I'm exhausted from my trip and need to rest. Disculta's post below was a wonderful explanation of how emotional healing can take it's toll on us physically...I feel sad, angry and my body aches all over.

I wish I could stay online longer tonight, but I have to give myself some rest.

Thanks for your support, I'll be back tomorrow:)))

Love,
Cynthia

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Date: Wed, Feb 28, 2001 at 21:38:05 (GMT)
From: Barry
Email: None
To: Cynthia
Subject: OK then! I'll let all know when it's done.(nt)
Message:

punch anyone?

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