Hamster report on
24 June 2001
'This is all I have ever done: tell people that
there is something real in this fake world.' This
is how Maharaji described his life's work on the
opening night of the Rome event.Is that really
ALL you've ever done? Your brother teaches
'Knowledge' too. Indeed, he does so a lot
more like your father did. You know, the one you
claim was your master? Yeah, Satpal's all over that
shit. So tell me, is all of that 'fake' too? He's
talking about the very same thing you are. Fake or
The elegant setting of Rome's Cavalieri Hilton
was a world apart from last weekend's Anniversary
Celebration in the bleak drabness of Nottingham's
National Ice Centre. England's cold, windy days had
been replaced with bright Italian sunshine.
But Maharaji was as ever teaching us in his own
inimitable way about how to approach life.
Rome was actually the first western city he
visited. En route for London 30 years ago, his
Qantas flight touched down in the Eternal City
before heading to his destination, London.
What is so remarkable about him as that although
he says this is all he has ever done, he manages to
approach the subject of Knowledge in a ever
expanding myriad of illuminating ways.If
Maharaji doesn't sound like a cult leader,
you sure as hell sound like a cult member,
whoever you are. Just can't quite find the words to
say how special he is, can you? Naw, I didn't think
so. It's hard to praise someone as perfect as He
is, I'd imagine. Why, his every glance is so full
of magic. Yet, how could anyone but a fellow cult
member ever really get it? Tough huh?
Tonight he started on a theme, which reflected
the changes of the last 30 years rather than the
changeless, although both were intertwined. He said
he had received an email from someone who told him
that ten minutes after 'I have practised I am all
over the place.'
He acknowledged how easily this can happen and
added: 'I started to think that it is a question of
recognition. If I recognise what is real then maybe
I can plot a course - take the necessary steps - to
make sure I don't get lost.' Oh no! The worst
thing that can happen here is beginning to take
place. The Hamster has found another word to
destroy! This time it's 'recognition'. Forget you
ever thought you knew that word. It's time for the
new age hindu love god rubber babble dance.
Problems begin because people believe that the
beautiful life they have been given can be
enhanced. He likened this effect to a piece of
furniture which had been covered with layer upon
layer of paint, which all have to be removed before
the exquisite nature of the wood is revealed.
'We are very good with conceptual realisation;
we are very good with conceptual recognition... It
is so easy for people to create what they want to
create and then to start believing it. That is
'Do we recognise what it is to be alive or do we
only recognise what it is convenient to realise and
But no matter what, he explained: 'Magic,
divinity, grace is all the while coming and
touching us' again and again. Well that's a
relief! You mean I don't have to wrap my mind
around that bullshit you just uttered about
'conceptual realization', 'conceptual recognition'?
You mean the magic, grace and, yes, divinity --
that's like in 'God' or something, isn't it? -- is
even now, as you speak, touching me? You mean that
God himself is touching me while you speak?
Okayyyyyyyyyy, I get it. Wow! Cool, huh? Oh my god!
This is like, wow, this is like too fucking much!
Yeah, I can feel it alright. Just keep talking a
bit. I think I've got it!
'Your existence is taking shape every day. You
know about your mortality, yet you continue to
think you are immortal.'
Wow, heavYYYYYYYY! You went straight from
feel-good magic to the fact that I'm gonna die and,
despite your loving efforts over the years, that
simply hasn't sunk in yet. Gulp!
Because of this he stressed that it was
important that we recognise the opportunity that
exists today - not tomorrow.
He then delivered two reality checks: first that
the future knows nothing about us and secondly that
the past has already forgotten about us. We might
know of the past and imagine the future, but they
do not acknowledge us.I love the way you
anthropomorphize everything and its mother, Master.
Why don't you talk about the fact that the hall
itself will forget us or, at the very least, play
hard to get. And fuck that past, huh? After all we
did for it, it never calls, never writes. Yeah,
you're right, it's just you and me, Maharaji. Who
else can I trust when you put it all so clearly
like this? Goddam fucking past, turning it's back
'Precariously, you walk on a thin rope. There is
not much elbow room and not much room for error,'
he said. Oh no! What can I do? Where can I go?
The past has forgotten me and the future won't take
my calls! And here I stand ... I can barely move my
THE RECOGNITION OF BREATH
But he continued by adding that it should be 'very
easy for the living to recognise the importance of
breath. You would turn blue without it... nothing
would function. And you would think that this would
be a simple recognition, but all the concepts and
ideas come in between.It IS a simple
recognition. It's what's called a trite
recognition, you idiot! But fuck you if you think
I'm going to start worshipping my involuntary
muscles. What about my heart? Keeps pumping,
pumping, pumping. It's enough to make me cry out in
bliss and recognition -- naw, that won't work.
Could you imagine going to buy something in the
store, the clerk takes your credit card but,
instead of running it, she just stands there going
off about how neat it is that her heart is pumping?
'Here, feel it,' she grabs your hand and
puts it between her breasts. She's that eighty-five
year old little Chinese woman whose family runs the
corner grocery. You want to get back home, you're
in the middle of cooking dinner. 'Nice,' you
say 'Sure is beating away there. Mine too.'
You're just trying to get away but that doesn't
'Oh really? Let me feel,' she says.
Meanwhile, there are three people behind you trying
to buy their stuff and get out of there.
No, bodily functions, involuntary muscles and
all that -- hey, don't get me wrong. They're great.
But fuck you if you think I'm going to worship
'And then there is the simple way of Knowledge
with no pretenses, no discussions. You either
welcome it into you life or you don't...
'Knowledge makes no statement about what we must
He then embarked on a lovely analogy comparing
the practice of Knowledge to a bee gathering nectar
'How much nectar can one tiny little bee take?'
Good point, guru. I can see where premies like
nagual rain get their deep wisdom now. Took me a
moment but it's pretty clear now. You're a fucking
idiot is what's clear.
BEE HERE NOW
Then, back to the email he received - 'If you can
keep your head straight for 10 minutes that's good.
But go for another second, that's what the bee
'In this life we have to become like the bees,
every breath we take is like a flower that it is
opening up' to give us nectar.
'When you recognise this potential, can you tell
me that this is not enlightenment, that this is not
100 per cent liberation, that it is not salvation?
Can you tell me that this isn't real
freedom?'HOLD ON THERE! YOU'RE ASKING
US? You're supposed to be the guru and now
you're asking US? Isn't that a bit like that old
Moody Blues song where the guy goes to the top of
the mountain and sees the guru who tells him that
'Life is like a beanstock, isn't it?' I'm sorry, I
thought YOU knew where this was all going? And now
you're asking us?
Well, if you must know, I'd say no.
Appreciating your each and every breath like a
village idiot is not my idea of a good time and it
sure isn't enlightenment. Forget about '100 per
cent liberation' or 'salvation'. You've got to be
kidding. Tell me you're kidding, guru. You're
Doubt, he explained, was something we have
always done. 'You are expert doubters.'
'But when,' he asked, 'are you going to forget
the doubts and accept this beautiful, gorgeous
reality.' Translate: your doubts are
unanswerable. Therefore, can we do something else
There is a 'gross miscommunication' - we know
how to want, but we don't know what we want.
What kind of whack rubber talk is that? The only
'gross communication' here is what you're doing to
the english language, fella.
He said he would make no apology for declaring
that until we start admiring what is real and not
everything else, we would understand nothing.
Hey, that's pretty extreme, big guy! Not to
mention downright mean and insulting. You tlak to
all your cule members this way? I'm surprised they
don't just up and walk out on you. What's that?
They do? Hm, well, serves you right. Quit whining
and learn how to get along better with people.
Until you do, you'll understand nothing.
Those who want to know how to gather the beauty
of this breath in their lives, should come to the
master with a heart that is real, a heart that is
pure, he explained. They should not be driven by
curiosity or doubt. Ah yes, the classic cult
choice: either you're sincere or you've got
questions. Cn you imagine Maharaji as a car
salesman? Not like this, I can't.
The trouble is 'so much of what you do is to
overcome doubt, and the doubt keeps growing. So
come to the world of certainty...'The doubt
keeps growing ... hm, wonder why, huh? Could it be
because you don't make any sense and now, for the
first time, you've finally told us that not only do
you not really know what enlightenment is but, even
worse, you think it's nothing but going ga ga over
your breath? Yeah, the doubt keeps growing. The
certainty you're offering is just a futile plan to
avoid dealing with it.
IN STORMY WEATHER
'We pretend that we know that which we don't know,'
he advised. And then gave the example of being in a
little boat when a storm comes. The storm makes the
water rough, so it is not the boat itself that
creates the sensation of roughness.
'You have to find the place where the water is
not rough. Take the boat that is tossing you
around, take it into calm waters.
'Don't blame the boat, when it is poor
navigation.'Yawn! ....yawn .....sorry, I've
heard this....yawn, shake ... maybe go outside to
stretch my legs .. no, I guess that's not on, is
it? Sneak glance at watch, think about flight home
Maharaji then explained what real rather than
conceptual recognition is. He told the story of
Krishna giving Arjuna Knowledge in the Bhagavad
Gita, and how Arjuna's heart was so deeply touched.
He said to Krishna: 'Forgive me. I had no idea who
'The day that I can turn to myself and I say
that I forgive myself for not realising what I have
been given, when I have recognised Knowledge in
that way, then doubt will go,' Maharaji
concluded.You asshole! You come THIS FUCKING
CLOSE to blaming everyone for not recognizing
you're whatever it was Arjuna didn't recognize
Krishna was -- God, of course. Like, duh! -- and
yet you say, at the same time, that we fostered and
perpetuated the myth that are divine. Here, you're
pretty well coming right out and saying it but no,
pity the poor premie who dots the 'i' or finishes
the sentence. Creep!
'Then you'll be bad news for doubt. Confusion
will stay as far away from you as it can.'
He had one other statement for which he said he
would make no apology: 'If your heart is not
content, you will never be at peace.' Wow!
That's a real show-stopper! Good thing I DIDN'T
sneak out for that fresh air. Where'd you learn to
say such things? This is like a miracle or
something! That was VERY, VERY impressive, guru.
Too fucking much the way you thought that
The mind and the heart beat different drums. If
you try to dance to both a the same time you will
look like an idiot. Funny, you should say that
because, quite frankly, I agree. Tell that to Pia,
though, will you?
'Dance with no reservation to the beat of the
drum of the heart. Be fulfilled every single day.
First listen to the beat, then don't be shy, feel
the gratitude, feel the elation. When the rhythm is
in you, the rhythm has penetrated you. It is
swinging in you and you are swinging with it.'
'This would make a long email,' he said with a
smile, reminding us of the ten minute dilemma.
Hey, that's novel! Maharaji usually rambles on
so aimlessly, it's kind of like a trick when he
actually returns that rare occasion to the 'point'
he started making way back when. Of course, normal
people are expected to do that whenver they talk to
thousands of people sitting in rapt attention for
hours on end. But gurus and other cult leaders just
meander like motherfuckers. So this, then, was a
real treat. Must have shocked everyone.
He likened the predicament of us sitting around
'watching the world go round' to the days when
people thought that the sun revolved around the
earth. That he said was an 'incredible
misunderstanding', because 'the world is watching
you go by...'More inane anthropomorphizing. So
now it's the world that's laughing at us.
'The consciousness that you have, use it to be
conscious of this existence... because it brings a
The European events had been beautiful. He
mentioned how many new people had come in Lisbon
and Barcelona. And Paris? How as that, guru ji?
Coming together to make a difference is not an
issue, he said. There is always a demand for
'Where we fall short is coming together to make
an effort... People who have Knowledge are too
smart... Everyone goes off into a discussion... But
the objective of making Knowledge available to
those who want it is greater than the sum of your
differences.WARNING: YOU MAY BE TOO SMART TO
UNDERSTAND THIS SENTENCE If you know that
then everything is possible. If you understand
that, anything is possible.' Yes, I agree. If
you can understand that particular sentence, then
surely anything is possible. Let's see now: 'The
objective of making Knowledge available to those
who want it is greater than the sum of your
differences'. Sorry, I give up. Guess I'm too smart
'Knowledge is like a flower, it offers a
possibility to a little bee. There is no contract.
Is there a name written on a flower?Okay, enough
already! You're not going to anthropomorphize the
poor little flowers and bees too, are you? That's
harsh, man! It is a possibility not a contract.
It should be made possible for anyone who wants it.
If you don't want it, that is not an issue.'
What if I used to follow you and think you lied
about everything and thus took advantage me and my
friends for years? Is THAT an issue? Yeah, that's
what I thought.
'The breeze will gladly come through your little
window,' he said, explaining that the breeze is
actually the result of the huge forces of nature -
the rotation of the planet, the pull of the ocean.
'It is nothing trivial.'OH NO!!!!!NOW IT'S THE
BREEZE! LISTEN, YOU IDIOT, THE BREEZE IS NOT
GLADLYDOING ANYTHING! Stop that!
'All you have to do is open your little window.
That's a pretty good deal.
'I too, in my life, want to open that window,
because I too want the beautiful breeze blowing to
take away all that is stale, and to bring the new
fragrance of fresh air.'
He finished by offering the chance to help make
the possibilities happen - 'not in philosophies but
in unity'.Rubber talk!
'This has nothing to do with Italy; it is about
Then it was over, unbelievably he had talked for
just over 70 minutes...Did you come? Can't get
enough of this shit, can you?