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And your post says a
lot about why so many of us left.
I've had a wonderful zen like experience of
meditation over the years but in the end had to
walk because of the very lack of transparency you
refer to.
It's odd really, because the drive that pulled
me there was a deep one, one that was founded upon
a deep search for truth, which is why I always
loved the concept of satsang, if not the reality.
Satsang for me meant attempting to be truthful at
all times, and a faith that if I did, I would go
deeper in my experience of living/life. I found
this to be true, but from the top down at ev, ie
from gm down, I saw little of this in actuality,
and a huge amount of programming going on, which
showed little faith in the process.
At some point, to start disentangling the
emotional trauma of it all you will have to see
that your committment, although naive and misguided
was not a complete waste. The difficult part is
realizing that YOU produced all the good stuff you
felt, and your unconscious was uncomfortable
because you knew the ev/gm reality was fake. Your
confidence has taken a battering because of your
lack of awareness and naivete, but that's the price
we've paid for investing in a belief system.
The way you are feeling now will pass, and you will
be much wiser for it, even if you have to go
through a dark night of the soul as I did, but I
can guarantee you that you will never get the open
ended, honest truthful response you are after
because you are already a better and more truthful
person than the people who know the facts who are
in the org. They are duplicitous and know it, how
can they talk honestly with you.
The response of Please Consider This to your
genuine need is a classic example of this, in some
ways worse because they masquerade as being human,
but when it comes to it they can't respond, but
just hang onto their beliefs. And that's what makes
it a religion, it's founded on beliefs, not a
genuine desire for truth.
You've got to see that even in your pain, maybe
because of your pain, and your inability to deny
it, you are already way ahead in the truth
stakes.
I know it's scary, very exposing, almost chaotic
what you are going through, if I read your post
right, but it's out in the open now and without
completely lying to yourself because of your
inability to deal with your pain, there is no going
back.
Have strength richmandrake, you can make it
through your dark night, and as I know from my own
experience, you will be stronger and wiser than you
have ever been.
It's a tough lesson, but not as tough as surviving
auschwitx say, and you can do it.
I can also guarantee you that once through the
worst you will be able to really laugh at your
naivete, monty python style. I have had wonderful
moments, truly painful because of the intensity of
the laughter, not least trying to explain to my
mates how I ever got caught up in such a conceptual
nightmare, lila madness indeed.
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