Journeys: Grace

Date: November 10, 2003
Email: None

Dear ex-premies,

Thank you for your candid and sincere contributions to this site. Having spent the latter part of yesterday thoroughly absorbed in the associations I could identity with in my own life, I decided to make my own contribution. As far as I am concerned the word "GIFT" has no strings attached whatsoever. Maharaji's gift has many strings attached, as well as fear and the possibility of rejection, and God forbid, damnation. When I began to realize after about eight years of devout meditation that I was beginning to feel worse instead of better than when I had begun, and when I began to feel like an outsider from the rest of society and began to wonder "Why do I have to make such a effort to be alive, to be happy, to be deserving of blessings? Everyone else seems to have their "Shit" (for the lack of a better word) "Together". They seem to be managing to deal with their issues without this so called special protection that Maharaji claims to bestow upon those who completely surrender to him." His talk about the illusions of life...the only illusion I can recognize right now is the illusion of Knowledge.

I officially stopped practicing knowledge about three months ago, completely. Today, I put away the four photographs of Maharaji that I had framed and strategically placed throughout my house. Having had the good fortune to visit your site again yesterday, (I had looked at the site over two years ago, but then felt guilty for even having allowed myself to partake in such a sacrilegious act of impurity). I find it quite dramatic and somewhat comical how my imagination can lead me to such unfounded paranoia at times. In any event, little by little, I too began questioning more and more the fruits of my labor and the actual benefits from M. and K. The last few programs I attended began to plant the seeds leading me to question my own sanity. "How can I continue to be supportive of such a greedy bunch? All these fakers, these brave souls (premies) trying to keep the front for Maharaji were not getting any better, they were looking more and more lost and desperate, especially in regards to his approval or benedictions." He was beginning to personify an aura of just another entertainer with a good marketing management team that knows how to play with people's insecurities. As far as I could see there was definitely an hierarchy thing going on with the money department. Although I never went to Australia, I did see a video from his 1998 or 1999 event. I found it somewhat distasteful, (although I quickly suppressed that unkind thought) that his family and his daughter were being glorified in such a manner. They are not royalty or rock stars or movie stars, although I was beginning to think that they were beginning to think they were.

Also, I was beginning to feel somewhat ripped off about the whole experience and the way my life was getting worse instead of better. Little by little I stopped going to videos or viewing videos in my own home. I lost contact with most premies that I had known from the past, except for one dear soul whose name I will not mention. Anyway, to make a very long story short, and with my long winded and long winding style of expressing myself, not only in the written word, but artisticly and verbally as well, I will summarize the key points of my personal revelations, inspirations and realizations up to this point in my 50 years of life.

The meaning of GIFT, according to the dictionary and the encyclopedia are as follows:

A gift is given freely. There has to be a willing donor and recipient.
The giver must have the right to give it freely. The gift must be deliverable.

Many so called gifts in our modern world are not gifts. They have obligations attached to them. As in the case of so many false advertisements that use a so called gift as a bait to lure you in. To me, Maharaji and his organization, as well as many other modern developments of our presently evolving civilization, use this "Gift" business purely as a marketing and manipulation tool. I have come to the conclusion that God bestows every gift upon us and there are no strings attached. Maharaji takes the credit for all your Good Fortune and regards your suffering as your creation... for not giving back enough to the whole K & M business. God (or whoever one wishes to call that divine spark) as far as I have observed and contemplated so far, takes no credit for our accomplishments. He/she/it leaves us the privilege of our own rewards for giving ourselves credit for our own faith and sincere effort(s). He does not claim our hearts or brains or pocketbook or assets. He encourages doubts and questions and investigations and explorations, because he does not have to defend the Truth. And Maharaji takes God's message and claims it as his own and he seems to want to lay claims on the souls of his premies. His gift has many strings attached. His gifts are far from free.

They are more like enslavement.

I believe that most premies are probably the sincerest, sweetest souls out there. Maharaji and his crew seem to know how to get to these beautiful souls and twist their identity, their divine right heritage into something that he makes you believe he is responsible for. "you've got to be kidding!" It seems to be like grand theft and deception on a massive scale.

My soul belongs to me. My soul belongs to God. My soul cannot be bought, bargained for, or stolen. My heart wants to feel real love. True Love between a man and a woman, not Maharaji's Love because he can't be there for me when I really need someone physically to hold me and love me and be there for me as I am for them. Maharaji seems to claim he is responsible for what we experience, and that experience ultimately comes from and belongs to him. I do not need any special privileges of protection from the big bad illusory world. I like the world, the one I can remember before I started doubting myself, and making myself believe that cruelty was permissable if it was justifiable, for example "You've got to be cruel to be kind" sometimes. I no longer buy into this form of unworthiness syndrome. God's law is Love, Love, and more Love and compassion and understanding and charity and kindness, free from some snub false sense of superiority to those in need. Not the satisfying of an unquenchable greed that many who acquire a position of power often fall prey to.

Although I feel this way today, I will not negate the fact that I did experience many beautiful sensations and a feeling of specialness and bliss when I did believe that Maharaji really loved me. But these were my experiences because I was in love with an actual physical man and because he could not/would not accept the simplicity and naivety of my true love, I somehow allowed myself to be believe that this Maharaji Love was best. Anyway, I make no excuses or apologies. I did what I did because I sincerely felt that was the right way at that time. Now that I have come through the journey K & M could no longer carry me through, I am feeling reborn. My eyes are beginning to see again. And I say Thank You, God, and thank you too Maharaji and all those whom I have explored, or thought I adored. I thank God, especially for having given me the curiosity, the courage, the spunk to believe in my own voices, my own worthiness. I feel that God has carried me through it all, never judging, just allowing me to know and always catching me and looking out for me in all and through all.

Peace and Blessing to all.

Love, Grace

[Webmaster's note: Grace then responded to an email from me, and later asked for her response to be included in this journey.]

I was surprised and delighted to receive your e-mail today. Thank You. I felt a little apprehensive after I sent you my journey entry. It took me a while to muster up the courage to allow myself to be that spunky and fearless person that was no longer afraid of being punished or unapproved of for being somewhat rebellious. There is one word, however, that I was not aware I had written. In the third paragragh, near the end: " longwided and longwinding..the word ANTISOCIAL is supposed to be ARTISTIC. When I read it I thought "well, it could apply, but it is not what I meant to write". If you are able to make this correction, I would appreciate it because I am an artist. God has been very generous to me and I am most grateful for this talent that has always come naturally, and which in fact was alwasy my highest and deepest connection to the sublime. Of course, I went back to the site immediately and lo and behold I saw my name at the bottom of column one. I clicked on it, and I was quite relieved that what I felt and wrote yesterday still applies today. I can not deny that I am still somewhat on shakey ground. I continued to read more entries, and with each one, I realized that although I did not experience the ashram life or any of that kissing M's feet, which by the way, I considered sacriligeous to God, my Creator, who led me to knowledge. I could never wholeheartedly accept that M was my master, let alone a God. I always made myself believe that it was some premies who had decided to give him that title. When I realized this was what he had led them to believe, my faith in him began to dwindle with each event I attended. But then, I would think to myself, "What if he really is God?, and I am not enlightened enough to recognize him." Scary stuff!

In my heart of hearts I could never consider him above God. This fact was a reason why I began to question my involvement in practicing K. because I just couldn't understand that whole concept that M. was some kind of God. I found myself feeling unconvinced and uncomfotable when I tried to tell myself or others that he was my master. I could never quite get that, and therefore considered it was because of my lack of so called enlightenment , I felt that maybe I wasn't practicing enough and that I should do service in order to fully get this whole package-deal benefit. But I did not want to do service. Not because I am selfish, but because I found that people who were involved in service acted as if they were somewhat more priviledged than the masses they had to direct and inspect and keep under control. I had never even remotely imagined that M. could have an enemy until I attended the Portland, Oregon event in 2000. Why or how could anyone hate M? He's such a nice man and all he's doing is showing people how to get in touch with their higher self. If you want something you have to earn it. You have to pay the price. Nothing is for free. etc..etc.. ad nauseum. Ah! the things we do to convince ourselves that we did not make a mistake, or to justify our guilt. Fascinating stuff that one could spend a lifetime contemplating...but that's just it. I grew tired of contemplating and wondering and wishing and waiting for my life to begin.I had begun feeling like a "Hollywood has been" and "I could of been a contender", and wondering why I was not living up to my full potential. God has been generous to me. I have many talents and abilities which I have somewhat neglected over the past ten years. I am, however, working towards a diploma in Marketing Management. If all goes well (God Willing, I always say), I will graduate in May 2004. I have been attending college for four years, and feel very fortunate that I accepted the fact that I needed to upgrade my academic acumen. At times I used to feel guilty because I did not devote as much time to K as I should. I had heard from well intentioned premies that one should not do anything that takes them away from M. & K. But the more I learned, the more I realized that nourishing my mind, challenging myself to pass these worldly tests was becoming more satisfying than just believing that M. & K. in my life was all I really needed. The more I found myself thinking that I had some special key that none of these people with whom I was interacting on a regular basis knew about, the more ridiculous and unsure I began to feel about myself and my commitment to M & K. Knowledge really is power. The knowledge of education. Education is truly magical. Education has a way of filling you up and giving you a feeling of purpose, direction, satisfaction, hope, open-and-broader-mindedness, humility and happiness. Nothing gives me more joy than knowing that I am doing something that is constructively contributing to my confidence, self esteem and hope of a more successful and independent tomorrow with all the material trappings that I enjoy...A beautiful home, dignity in the knowledge and ability that I can take care of myself in a manner that pleases and excites me, and shopping, travelling, money in the bank, donating to charitable causes that are helping mankind in general, and hopefully lots of grandchildren someday whom I can dote on and provide many practical and hopefully magical & wonderful extras.

Once again, I thank you for giving me the opportunity to express that which has been a source of profound perplexity in my life for quite soome time now. I feel somewhat cleansed, as if I have been to a confessional. I was brought up a Roman Catholic. Although I have immersed myself in many different ideologies and philosophies, I think I will always be a Catholic at heart, although I do not practice, nor have practiced this Religion for more than 30 years. I'm not really sure what I believe in except that I believe that God Loves me exactly as I am. We are all worthy. Some of us just behave better than other sometimes.

Love, Grace

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