|Journeys: The Innocent One|
|Date: August 7, 2004|
|When I lived in the ashram at the age of 19, I was so innocent that "I had surrendered the reigns of my life to Guru Maharaj Ji". One night after retiring for meditation in the sisters room, there was a
mahatma (Mahatma Trebinand) who came in and ask me to come to his room for a foot massage. I, feeling chosen and blessed, went trustfully to do the massage. When the massage was finished, he ushered me into his bed. I was so innocent that I actually believed that since Mata Ji was in charge of all the mahatmas at the time, it must be something she approved of. I then "left my body" to the light - and came back as he was putting down his robes.
From then on I lived with the fear of pregnancy (thank God, I wasn't). This all came back to me last night. I have been spending a week at Omega Institute in New York and the community living, the kirtan (where they actually sang arti) all brought this flashback to me. God I grieve for this innocence I lost that night in the ashram. In all my therapeutic work, I never touched the pain I felt last night about this incident.
Can you believe that the mahatma actually came back a second night when I was able to hold him back. The third night I was given a bodyguard (I still think of her with friendship and gratitude). She slept next to me and guard me when he came back for a third night. Of course the Canadian president at the time (Brian McDermott) made sure that I did not go back to my parents even if I was very distressed. Last night flashing back of that event, I could only see it as some spiritual rape.
I have since become a therapist and a writer and have had the chance to help hundreds of client in facing their shadows. Here is a piece of mine that I am trying to release by making it public.
P.S. After freaking out for a week the mahatma invited me to attend a knowledge session where I would get a better impression of him. Now that I remember this, I still can't believe that all this new premies were there trusting him and him allowing this while I was in the room recuperating from abuse. I might have other memories coming back to me but I won't be sharing them. Just writing them while doing service here for a week at Omega Institute has been my form of release - thank you so much for your site - i feel cleansed from breaking this silence.