|Journeys: Sheree A.|
|Date: October 20, 2007|
Dear Reader, Please be assured that I am a real person. My experience is true and if I can help anyone, as I have been helped by reading and reflecting here, I will be providing service indeed. I received Knowledge at the 84th St. Ashram in NYC with the Mister Softee truck playing in the background, June 22, 1972. I was 16 and ready to pursue great meaning in my life. Maharaj Ji promised that in this age of darkness, he had come to reveal the light. I can honestly say I followed all the directions, even with all the changes over a 34 year period. I practiced consistently and took advantage of opportunities to grow in understanding and love. I gave of myself, my time and my money, and was fine with my general experience of life with knowledge, despite always allowing for inconsistencies in the message and presentation of the Master, until I learned that Prem Rawat does not have the qualities I would look for in a Master, or even a friend. Quite the opposite.
I have understood from sharing thoughts, feelings and experiences as a premie, and then as an ex, that "practicing knowledge" and the "teachings" thereof, were nebulous, and often inferred from the very vague expressions of Rawat himself. He is completely responsible for leading me on to an obscene dependence on him as the intermediary between me and God. Truly he has never been able to help me, nor his organization, in any form of what is actually even now promised - inner peace. His world of knowledge is make believe, self-fulfilling prophecy, propelled by feelings of inadequacy, the premie returns to the master, hoping to feel the promised peace, which never lasts. As recently as 2006, I supported his "work" and his cable programs, and provided a monthly introductory video program at a local library. I was so happy to do it, for being able to share this very special message with the public, that peace is a feeling that needs to be felt within. Sorry, Maharaj Ji, that little feeling of self-satisfaction in doing your work wasn't enough to have supported your lucrative lifestyle. As religions go, although an unpopular one, it provided some solace, but your mythology is worse than all of them because of your lifestyle, which in fact I refused to believe, all these years.
But back to the story. Simple, short, and sweet. In the early days I lived in the Brooklyn and Queens premie houses. I learned a lot about vegetarian cooking, nutrition and loving one another from living in a premie house in Boston (thanks!). When family needs and confusion in the organization led me back to New York and I eventually relocated to Florida and continued to live the knowledge lifestyle, I re-created the need to be close to Maharaj Ji, who never changed his tune in that regard; he just still never delivered. We all made that quantum leap of faith to his feet and lived to lock eyes in a split second of bliss. The gorgeous music the devotees created carried me along the way, fed the dream, created a harmonious background in my life and in my car. So what happened? Something simple. The 9/11 tragedy had a profound effect on me. I pursued a simple line of thought. Why is there so much evil and suffering in the world, and if my lifelong spiritual teacher cannot help me, who is he anyway? I participated in an Expressions event where I said the unspeakable; as I stood frying under the spotlight, I told him that feeling the gift of knowledge was hard for me, could he, would he, please help? He kindly replied that I stood at the threshold of my own happiness. Very Zen; very Chinese fortune cookie. But not helpful.
I studied the old and new testaments and decided who he was not. I returned to Amaroo in 2006 for the last intimate experience, with a sincere desire to know who he was, and understood that he didn't deserve to be worshipped by me. So now I'm going it alone; I'm not throwing my love into some weird pool of I don't know what, and that's putting it nicely. It was all a lovely dream with a shocking awakening when I opened the pages of epo and knew in my heart, which after all, I had invested so much in developing that heart - that it was true what they said. We were shafted, he is a con-man, and the pouring out of life after life in these journeys is truth enough, confirms what I already always knew in my heart, suspected and hoped wasn't so. The party line was that these folks had an axe to grind; you may very well ask, why is that? I guess the weird pool of I don't know what is just filled with mercy, and the tears of thousands of premies who gave their lives for love and have been saved by the ones who stand up for the truth and say, "No more lies." As for the re-writing of history and the current stance of Prem Rawat presenting himself as a humanitarian leader or motivational speaker, well, talk about your bait and switch…. What're you gonna do when the well runs dry? Premies, what are you going to do when the well runs dry?
I am so grateful for the prem-rawat-talk.org forum, full of caring, supportive people who are experienced in the process of healing and speaking the truth. We all know the true satsang is the truth from the heart, even if that heart has been broken. And may all of us live to learn the truth, the truth!