Journeys: SuzyQ

Date: November 8, 2015
Email: None

I received knowledge in 1980 Exiting premiedom has been a long process and quite subtle. Over the last couple of years I got very busy with practical stuff, financial concerns, work, and didn't meditate as often,ie, not every day, mostly the 1st technique before falling asleep. I found it harder and harder to see a dvd or broadcast to the end. I had crises of various sorts to deal with and deal with them I did. I still sent money to M and still went to events if i could.

I had some very dark days and my health was a mess.I sought various forms of help for my physical and subsequent mental state all of them good.

The first I noticed a drip was when someone suggested that an astronomical amount of millions spent on yet another plane was a worry. How much good could that money do at 'feed the people'?

Without warning I burst into a flood of tears. What about the people that need to see him ? I said. It was a very sudden and emotional reaction and took me and them by surprise. But slowly little things, little questions started to wake me up.

It started to FEEL as though the power of M was waning somehow, becoming somewhat irrelevant. For me and maybe for a few people at the same time. When I voiced this to a non-premie friend she said "A guru who has had his day?"

I felt sort of liberated. I felt I didn't need him anymore, maybe wanted to see him, but not needed. It was a big difference, and empowering.

I rationalized that he has wanted this for me all along.This is where he has been guiding me to. Coincidentally I connected with an old friend at this time who declared she knew that Monica is M's mistress.

I was shocked and yet somehow also not surprised. It took a few months for that to sink in, all the while the facade was crumbling and other pieces were falling into place. I of course had been aware of this ex-premie site. In fact I remember being asked some years back to click multiple times on M's website to get it to the top of google search. This was ostensibly a service. Which I didn't question. Not surprisingly I didn't experience any bliss from doing it. I never looked at the ex-premie site until after I had already started to climb out of needing a guru. It would just confuse me and bring darkness to my mind, food for the hungry ego/mind and not be helpful in my "experience". The doubt maker,etc etc. These were the ideas I had around it, the ideas I had been spoon fed. In retrospect, how fragile an experience it is then, that it can be invalidated by a quick google search. But at the time I wasn't engaging my rational thinking, certainly not around K.

When I first came to K it was very quick, I felt lost and was grieving at the time.(to quote Arti -who else helps the weary and the weak,?. actually quite a few people including family, good friends, trained professionals)

A friend took me to an event where M was speaking. Up until that time I had had a number of very significant (to me) "spiritual " experiences which were quite hard to describe to people.

On one occasion I remember speaking with a guy I met only once in Amsterdam and we had what any premie (we weren't) would call satsang. We were blissing out about the truth we were sharing. Nothing of it had anything to do with M, neither of us had even heard of him.

So when M sat on the stage and spoke in front of me I thought wow, here's a guy in a suit talking about all that I already know, just straight up talking about this as if its normal and he's wearing a suit?

I had quite an experience at that program, that's what they were called, programs. Events now.

Anyway I felt that I was going to be able to piece together all the unexplained phenomena that had happened to me so far, I'm very intuitive and not a stranger to weird things happening, so I was embracing this as a means to not feel so separate or different, and at the same time to embrace my differences and make it ok, validate myself somehow. It seemed M knew ME, my secret inner workings, he spoke of exactly what I was going through. I was intoxicated by a feeling of merging and freedom. In retrospect it was also a feeling of freedom from the pain of grief of losing my father. And a whiff of freedom from feeling a weight of responsibility for myself at such a young age, not having someone, my Dad, at my back. A need to feel protected (you are my mother and you are my father- more Arti,) and a desire to feel devoted to something higher.

higher than what? Now I see this as a hangover from a belief in hierarchy.or a lack of belief in myself.

Quickly after the program, maybe a month later, I received K from an instructor in an ashram. Did I have doubts? yes.

On the way to the K session I was cycling against a very strong headwind several kilometers through the city and it was really hard going. I had seen M as the devil days before the K session and yet I had been prepared for this by the daily satsangs, My mind would be bound to stir up the silt at the bottom and struggle for control over me, but I must resist my evil mind putting such stupid images in my head, gosh I must have a strong mind I thought.

I lost my scarf on the way to the K session and didnt even notice it blow away

It was very special to me at the time.

anyway more than 30 years of devotion later...

....last night I re-read the last few verses of Arti that I have photocopied, stored in an enameled box along with a photo of m's feet on a pillow , with a marigold.

I remember singing this plainly religiously devotional song with arti tray etc after satsang at the local ashram, not long after I received knowledge

and of course when I went to india as well.

I spent a small fortune traveling the world for my next possible hit of bliss

but in retrospect this 'relationship ' between student and master has just been an obsessive long distance relationship with a narcissist.

I am starting to see how insidious this secret life of knowledge has been in my life. Having one story in my head and another for the world, it is very divisive, both of my Self and between me and my relationships of all kinds.

I believed until recently in a thing called maharaji's Grace.

I attributed many of my own intuitions to Him.

However I experienced this Grace before I ever met or heard of M. And continue to.

Magic happens all the time in people's lives.

And M is a magician of sorts. Most of his power comes from people giving away their own power and sovereignty of their lives to him, I see now.

The further away from it I get the more I see.

When I first felt freer because I started to realize I didn't need a master I found myself thinking, well it was me (us) who made it a cult of personality, but actually that's not 100% true and typical premie thinking. The assumption in premie world is he can do no wrong, the perfect master, but in fact he has done so much wrong and he has actually been the source of confusion, not clarity, in so many instances.

He has never broken down the so called 'concepts' for us and said look, Agya, it's just not necessary, you have your own compass in your heart, follow that. He never said Darshan is the sight of God within any living being, a tree , a child, a bird, a person on the street.

He never said Lila is an excuse for masters to get their way and a perversion of the 'god works in mysterious ways' maxim

No he just said you guys (not M) had concepts from India and they were rubbish, (now I will bless you with an opportunity to show your gratitude by kissing my feet and don't forget the fat envelope)

He's rewriting history again, it all gets written off nicely in the belief in Lila, m's play

what a load of bollocks.

Here I am , shunning my own personal responsibility at some level by investing my heart ( i give you my heart, for in you it will mellow.. more Arti) and plenty of $$$$$, investing my soul's deepest yearning for spiritual connection with God, by going through the middle man, the broker, who is himself not taking responsibility for even being honest.

(I remember what seemed like 2 years of satsang about cheat and deceit)

This process of being a part of the rewriting of PR's history, with each revision he made, this has made me into a liar, not knowingly, but the sort of liar one finds in an abusive relationship, protecting the abuser. Justifying his behavior with some kind of magical thinking ,supported by a belief system and a belief that he loves me. The truth is he really doesn't and if I fronted up to him with my concerns, if I ever got the chance to do that, it would become even more plain and obvious to me. I am no use to him as a premie who does not just accept that he is my master and that he can do no wrong. This (beyond) belief system, that M claims not to have brought with him, comes from a country that, when I think about it, has so many problems, how could we hippies of the 60's even have thought that everything we're looking for could be found in all this old traditional Indian religious stuff. Sure India has some amazing aspects to it's culture, medicine, herbs, yoga , but just look at the place, more importantly the people, how they treat the women, the caste system, the infanticide, etc and how the vast majority of people live there. The inertia. The system that is being kept alive by popular belief.

I just was very sad when I ran into him, normal when you loose someone, then instead of just being with that, I was rescued from my sadness by the serotonin inducing techniques and most importantly by the man who gave them to me (although in hindsight I should therefore have been more grateful to the instructor) But it was not given to me as a relaxation, in fact M scoffed at such things.

To be authentically yourself. Hard to do when half the game is hiding that truth you've been shown because, well it just too private a truth for the world. And it can only be talked about in the sanctioned way, and hey you guys have it all wrong just give them a dvd and shut up. The keys are being re done now, V.2. What would the world understand of my spiritual relationship with my master after all. I have found though that all topics that involve natural human understanding, people understand. I realize now I never wanted to talk too much about the real dynamic in my relationship of student and master because any real questions, and one's that would involve my personal welfare would not be easy to deflect, nor would I be seen in the light I wanted to be seen in, that of a spiritual grade A student, a seeker of enlightenment. No. It was more likely to cast me in the glaring light of someone in a long distance abusive obsession with a narcissist. And paying for the privilege.

Even the times I have been to therapy for one crisis or another, I never uncovered that relationship with the Master to that professional. Why not?

In case I was made to see the total dysfunction of it?

Also my total trust was in M and in knowledge, as taught and encouraged by M. Not trust in myself, because that would mean I would have to integrate my precious and beautiful mind. Mind, body, spirit integration.That would mean I would be whole and without need to see him or seek his approval or attention nor give him money and more money. I lied about giving him money when my friends asked me if I did. I lied about where I was going and why. And what I would do there. Does this smell like an abusive relationship pattern to you?

Trusting myself and being whole, then I would have a relaxation technique, which is what the meditation techniques are and my life would continue onward and upward. He wouldn't need a plane to visit the world. He wouldn't need a gold plated bathroom to feel above and beyond us all. He wouldn't need funds. ( he has all that already anyway)

But I was instead told put knowledge first, not myself, not my intuition, not my love of family and friends,not my love of the planet or mankind, not my health, all else is a big fat zero, these are things that have been repeated over and over

to me. Yes and once K is first then all else will fall into place. Well that plainly isn't true. This site is full of stories from genuine loving folk that dedicated them selves completely to satsang , service, meditation and devotion and got screwed over and had a hard time coming back from it.

Stay in touch he said. With whom? his secretary? my in touch-ness has been a projection, as befits a long distance obsession with a narcissist. Oh yeah, and don't reveal these techniques to anyone. Shades of the abuse start here. keep this secret between us, no one else understands, I am the master and you are the student, permanently, there is no graduation ceremony.

Service? so many people I saw doing service were just what we would call frying. No surprises there because as I said the source of confusion was often enough M himself. Though the implication was, if you were frying, it was your fault, you just didn't have your tongue stuck firmly enough up your throat. But the confusion was likely brought about by trying to please the Master. What about this ? how will this be? don't know yet, haven't had word from the boss. Wasting a lot of time, effort and resources on just plain indifference on his part. Once I remember among the money needed from the premies at event time was a bill for a hotel suite that was never used. Why was it booked then? well no one knew if he would want it or not so they just booked it in case because of course they couldn't just ASK? Because they couldn't break into that inner circle and talk directly to him. Like it was rude to deign to ask for a decision please? Like anyone would from a normal person. You see the culture of this premie world is he is not a normal person. Now that I know about Monica it seems it may have had more to do with that affair than anything. How convenient then that those doing service dare not disturb the incredibly busy and tired master who has just flown in the 1st of first classes to give a one hour one way talk with a possible chance for thank you's. No one wants them to ask about the hotel, it's on a need to know basis, security, no one is meant to know where he's staying, or if he's staying at all. He doesn't want us to know about his mistress or his cognac or just the fact that he is an ordinary guy. Carrying on like a lot of ordinary guys would in that situation. Not necessarily the one's you would want to give your heart and soul and life savings too though.

I obviously wanted to feel a trust in someone. He has played on this human need.

I was not encouraged to question. In fact questions were replaced by 'expressions' ages ago. Expressions of interest on a tender basis.(pun intended)

Pay to sit up the front and receive his eminence? Aspire to become a major donor. Become part of the elite. Just to sit close enough so he can look you in the eye. That's intimate for an obsessive long distance relationship.

Imagine if I got hold of the microphone now and requested an apology from him. First, while you could hear a pin drop - absolutely everyone would almost die of sheer embarrassment to even be there, I can feel them wincing and cowering and squirming in their seats, his face would darken that I dare to question him like this, no real understanding of what I am talking about, security would suddenly go into high alert, my microphone would likely be shut off and everyone there would know completely and without being told that this part of expressions will not be part of the video.

just knowing that, doesn't that speak volumes?

It did make me increasingly uncomfortable when M would put someone down, no matter how playfully. This is one of the reasons I found the dvd's and broadcasts difficult to watch lately. One of his close aides, or maybe just a 'someone' he would mention, and they would know who they were. Even when I didn't know who he was referring to I would squirm. It just never sat well with me. There is no right of reply.

All in all K has not been particularly helpful to my overall development. I have buried my issues and traumas and given it all to his feet, which of course hasn't really solved anything on any level, least of all my part in this dysfunction, and among other things has in fact perpetuated a vulnerability in me to get involved with people who maybe do not have my best interest at heart.

Yet how can I see the reality of the world as long as I am wearing the rose tinted specs, filtering my every day to day experience through the belief system of knowledge. And it is a belief system, which he covers by calling it knowing. And what do we know, what are we allowed to know about our pilot king?

Even though just about every religion known to mankind understands and proclaims the role that faith plays in the spiritual experience of a person, PR claims that it's not a belief, it's a knowing. I had a knowing before I ever met him or heard of him, before I even could talk or walk. And actually I never lost it. I never needed K or anything else to revive it in me. I just needed love.

M speaks half-truths, which makes it easier to believe the things that aren't true. His wisdom is borrowed and not his own.

The techniques are not his own, or even his fathers , in fact they belong to everyone, as a portion of the much larger teaching of Yoga. Upon my receiving those techniques if he had been a TRUE teacher he would have encouraged me to make those techniques my own, to make it a part of MY yoga, my union with my Self. My intimate relationship with my breath and my body. No need for worship. He would have let me know service is to God /Goddess, not to him, that the company of truth can be anywhere at any time with any one, just as it was for me before receiving knowledge. He would have been authentically there for me as no more than a friend- and no less than a friend, as a true teacher.

But there's no luxury lifestyle or glory or fame in that, no adulation. That is a relationship of equals, that of friends.

And from my side of things there is no handing over responsibility, no shirking the need to exercise critical thinking and actually growing up.

My teacher if he'd been truer to God and himself and to me, may even have encouraged me to pass on my yoga to others and he would have taught me the importance of being no MORE and no LESS than a friend to another, when in that role. So that the projections can't take hold. So that spiritual growth, awakening and governance can take place in one's life, so that we understand as I do now that all the power that ever was or will be is here now... in me. Not in him. Whenever I have had a powerful experience it may have been triggered by someone but the experience has been mine alone, the love, the surrender, the humility, it has all been mine and inside me all along. I may have shared it and it may have been all the greater for the sharing. The treasures I have unearthed in me , I found them in me, they were mine and they still are. The magical, spiritual epiphanies, the blissed out expanding consciousness moments were not him doing it to me. Those experiences are more common than we give credit for and they are not through a Magicians reflected grace but through Grace itself.

The words he can emulate, but the actions do not lead in this direction, just the opposite, keeping me subservient, self doubting, in need of him perpetually. Silencing the true voice and the true questions before they are even asked. Mirroring me and letting me believe that it is Him.

Instead of anything as radical as self empowerment, and even sometimes in the disguise of that, I have been given a filter through which I can see the world and myself in some distorted vision. But the world, the mind, people, the self, they don't need to be seen through this filter of old, worn out, patri-focused, separative dogma. The filter provides cognitive dissonance avoidance most of the time. Hanging on his every word trying to make sense of it. Trying to make all that happens fit in to this belief system that I don't believe is a belief system. Spoon fed.

While searching the web , confirming the truth about Monica and finding out a number of things I had no idea about, child abuse by an initiator? manslaughter charges deferred to a loyal premie? I was shaky and a bit frantic, kept searching and searching but felt I was never finding what it was I was after.

Then I came across a blog called the pitfalls of spirituality by an amazing guy called Frank Waaldijk. In the blog he points out the 20 pitfalls as he sees it.


1: Spiritual guidance
2: Universal truth & absolute truth
3: Bliss & happiness, pain & sorrow
4: Morality & moral pressure
5: Before & after life
6: Wonders & miracles
7: Money
8: Power
9: Belonging & fulfillment
10: Group dynamics
11: Us & them
12: Woman & man (gender, sexuality, homosexuality)
13: Ego & selflessness
14: Mind & heart, logic & feeling
15: Fear & temptation
16: Spiritual energy, holy energy, transformation power
17: Positive thinking & groupthink
18: Obedience
19: Partial truth, secrets & things unsaid
20: Cognitive dissonance avoidance & boundary control

Frank W has come out the other end of another cult I've never heard of so it was very enlightening to read his take on stuff because the similarities were striking!

That was the final drip really, actually identifying with well thought through observations from someone from a cult!!!! or charismatic group as he preferred to call it.

I'm still getting there of course, might take a while, but I feel grounded and actually more in touch with myself in my life than ever before. Paradoxically. The confusion is gone. Permanent self doubt, going.

Keep it up people, the veil is thinning


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