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Hi Silvia, Tim G and
others
Thanks for your welcome. Yes I have posted
before but only a couple of times and only in the
last few days. I've been reading EPO and Forum 7
for about 2 weeks now and like somebody above I'm
soon to be ex-wife and ex-mum if I don't slow down
a bit. But it's so compelling to read it all, and
I'm someone who reads every last new blue post bar
the 'nt's'. I think it just obsesses you when you
first find it because there is just so much being
said. I received Knowledge in 72 and practised
pretty diligently for 10 years or so. Around 83
like many people it seems, I started to drift a
bit, making new friends outside the premie world,
and working in an interesting field at last - the
arts. What a lift that was after years of useless
jobs and spending any spare money on getting to
festivals all over the world etc... But all this
time from then till now I've been living in this
weird limbo state, not really practising Knowledge
at all but still feeling an unshakeable faith in
Maharaji and all of it. Neither one thing nor the
other and not a truly healthy place to be.
What had been bothering me for years was
Maharaji's apparent contempt for any sort of
accomplishment, as if the only thing that was worth
doing was to devote one's life to him and
Knowledge. Which gives you a weird feeling of guilt
when you do anything else even when it feels right.
Which puts you at cross-purposes with yourself...
and all around you, you can't help seeing good
people without Knowledge, leading good, ethical,
creative, rich lives, and something just wasn't
adding up. Especially when you look at the
participating premies and they all seem somehow
sad, lost and almost empty. Around where I live
they do anyway.
But try to put any of this to a premie for a
decent discussion - well, you might as well forget
it. I tried a few times to express these feelings
to what I felt were close friends and just got
total incomprehension or naked hostility. And you
couldn't talk about it to any non-premie, so you're
left in this odd state of having absolutely NO ONE
to talk to about a very real dilemma. My way of
dealing with it was to push it to the back of my
mind and just carry on in the hope that one day it
would feel right to start participating again, or -
something.
Until I started reading EPO. And then everything
explodes in your head....I suppose where I am now
is in the middle of the process of becoming an ex.
I'm going through some odd feelings of panic,
sadness, confusion of identity, embarrassment and
even guilt at how I proselytised for years...and
today for the first time, feelings of anger for
wasted years.... I know you've all been through the
same thing, and a lot of you without EPO and this
forum for support, and I admire your courage
through what must have been very lonely and painful
times. I don't know if I could have done it, and
I'm not through with the process yet as turbulent
dreams every night testify.
It's ironic I know, but some of the posts here
remind me almost of satsang in the early days - the
outpourings of honest feelings and a wholehearted
attempt to speak the truth and nothing but the
truth. And when you compare what's said here to the
brainwashed auto-speak and revisionism of premies
today.....who would have ever thought it would end
up like this?
I do feel that in the early days Maharaji was
genuinely trying to spread what he felt was the
Knowledge of God to a troubled world. (I may be
conclusively proved wrong here too - (sigh!)) I was
so sure that the enthusiasm and love we felt wasn't
just the need for a personal experience but the
will to help make the world a better and happier
place. I know I felt a genuine love in those days
and the premies, well, a lot of them anyway! were
wonderful, and I love a lot of them still. But what
has happened with EV since about 1983 has just
looked and felt too strange. Maybe the rot set in
when Maharaji for some unknown reason stopped
premies from 'giving satang' at meetings, which I
always felt was a big mistake. But of course you
couldn't say anything to anyone because he didn't
make mistakes...
Enough already. So much to say and not enough
time to say it, and it's all being said every day
here in any case!
A big heartfelt thanks again to all of you.
With love, Livia
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