'I first heard the word "aspirant" when I called the local information line for video presentation times. I remember calling back to try to figure out if I'd heard right. Did I hear "aspirin" or "aspirant"? Either way, I had no idea what the title meant.

So began my questions, so began my search for information and answers.

So also began a dialectic in myself between what I wanted to believe in; and what my searching was leading me to believe.

I wanted to believe in Maharaji. I wanted to see the best of his messages of simplicity and inner peace come to reality for me. I wanted to see a kind, caring man who could help me calm my mind.

He said it came down to a decision...to trust.

A blind leap?

This is something I could not do. Instead, I started searching for information and slowly learned more about Maharaji's history, his personal life, and his "knowledge techniques".

I did not find this information through any current premie or any of Maharaji's appointed representatives.

Why?

Daneane G.

Daneane G. has been an aspirant for some time between 1999 and 2000. After some time spent in the 'aspirant process', she decided to question her involvement with 'Maharaji and Knowledge'. Here is a copy of some letters she sent to Elan Vital's representatives she had been in touch with as an aspirant.

Questions to the Local Aspirant Contact
First Questions to Dayal (One of Maharaji's Instructors)
Second Mail to Dayal
Last Mail to Dayal: Conclusion

E-mailed April 15th to the Local Aspirant Contact

Hey Fred,

I was wondering what you know about the anti-M sites on the web.

You know the people on it? I'm reading lots of conflicting stuff -rumours of alcoholism, child molestation, wild parties and various other decadence.

You ever live in an ashram? A lot of ex-ashram premies are saying M let them eat up debts and made them live in sub-standard conditions because of all the 'service' they did.

Does M really own large corporations? You know about the fundraising for Amaroo?? I've heard that it is not nearly enough and its been postponed again. Do you give money to him? Do other premies?

Do M or instructor's ever talk about this? Is it possible for me to send an email Susan Johnson, that instructor I saw a month or so ago? I'd like to ask her about all this.

I don't get a lot of this stuff. It seems like what M is talking about in videos and what premies and ex-premies think or believe is totally different stuff. Do premies really believe M is Lord? Do they still really wait in line to pay him money and kiss his feet?

I've talked with an ex-instructor who gave me a lot of EV paperwork...what kind of stuff do you, as Aspirant contact, have to tell them about me? Stuff like that makes me feel like I'm being judged. If knowledge is a gift, why am I being sized up as to whether I get it or not?

You know, I really freaked with that 'asking for knowledge' thing. It felt to me like some sort of screening process. I don't understand why I would have to talk about how I feel or don't feel to a bunch of strangers and be graded on it. What would that really do to focus my believes or opinions about M and this 'knowledge' he professes? Don't ya get bored of all those videos? So many seem to say the same stuff. Doesn't it bug ya that he seldoms speaks live anymore? Doesn't the expense of those 'Satellite' broadcasts burden you financially? Wasn't this last one stuff from the knowledge review in Irvine anyway? You going to the knowledge review in Miami?

Are there premies who are still followers that have doubts? Why doesn't M acknowledge them?

What do all these new instructor's do anyway if they can't teach 'knowledge'?

I'd be interested in any info you could provide. Are there other people I should ask?? Could I contact them via email? The tapes I've seen really haven't addresses any of this.

Thanks. - dg

Dear Dayal,

I spoke to you last Sunday following the satellite broadcast of Amaroo. I'm sorry I was not able to speak to you very long, or in a better setting. I was pretty caught off guard and not really ready with questions or comments in mind. In fact, I really am not even clear on what an 'instructor' is or does. I know only M gives knowledge now, but what does that leave?

I sent an e-mail to the local aspirant contact about some weird stuff I had come across. Are such questions things I should be asking elsewhere?

I looked at the web-sites you mentioned, but they did not address areas of my questions. I checked out Visions International as well, but they had nothing regarding the history of M.

It is the case that his history is not important to receiving knowledge? I thought his was a tradition passed from his father, and possibly to be passed on to his children.

Can you suggest to whom I could address specific questions I have come across? It seems to me the videos do not really address these matters and further more seems to echo the same basic themes: participation, practice and gratitude.

It is my opinion, if I do not address the questions I have that I can not trust in myself enough to put my trust in M. How can I accept him openly if I am unsure of myself? How can I ask for knowledge if I doubt in its potential? How can I become truly sincere, until I fully explore that which I am asking for?

I'd appreciate any assistance you could provide regarding these matters. Please respond to my e-mail address, my fax does not receive calls.

Thank you. -dg

Dayal,

I had a few more questions I was hoping you might be able to answer for me. First off though, I never did receive the e-mail you mentioned last time we talked. Did you try to send it again? My server address is [...].

I haven't attended any events since we spoke, though I continue my research about Maharaji, and have viewed some videos at home. I've contacted Visions International and received some suggestions there. What concerns me most presently, however, is the apparent censorship of other sites offering information about Maharaji, Elan Vital and Divine Light Mission. Only the sites run by Exes have been affected. Why is this happening? Will Enjoying Life.org be going down too? I've read accounts of these proceedings on the Forum at an ex-site and people there have gotten letters from lawyers who work for Maharaji.

Why is he trying to shut down these sites? I got many answers from them and learned much more about his history than from anywhere else. Why would he want to hide his history? Is there something else about the sites that merits them being shut down?

These actions make me very uncomfortable, Dayal. It makes me think M has much to hide and that one who follows M can have no doubts or dissenting opinions whatsoever. I don't understand this. Doesn't he say to follow your heart and find your own answers inside? Surely as such, these answers would not all be the same.

I'm growing quite disappointed in that you and Gwyn told me I would receive answers to my questions, but I've yet to hear anything. You told me you had sent an e-mail, yet I never received it. Maharaji never even speaks to people without knowledge at events anymore, so I can't even hear his words in person. All of these things make me wonder. Why are so many question left unanswered? Why is he out to silence those who ask them and post their point of view on-line?

If he is simply trying to teach people to look inside, why would he seem to have so much to hide? I really wish my questions would be addressed. How can I put my trust in Maharaji if he acts so distrustful?

Sincerely,

D. G.

June 20, 2000

Dear Dayal,

Well, still I have not received a reply from you. I'm left to consider the meaning of silence in response to my questions and seeking to increase my knowledge of Maharaji. I think the silence does say quite a lot.

My previous letters to you have asked very specific questions and expressed very specific doubts. You gave me your card, you invited me to discuss these things with you; yet now, you do not respond.

It seems to me there are a number of possible reasons for your silence.

1) You have been asked to no longer respond.
2) I am no longer an aspirant given my association with ex-premies.
3) You just do not care to focus on the doubts I've raised.
4) There are no answers.
5) The questions themselves are true, and you cannot defend information I've found from various web-sites and ex-premies.

Your silence is further amplified by the fact that my questions to ex-premies have always found responses.

Perhaps the most compelling information I have received has come from one who is somewhat of a colleague of yours. In fact, it is by his suggestion to reflect upon my experience, that I write to you today.

Jean-Michel is author to an extremely informative web-site, now hosted by Ex-Premie.org. He was an instructor and paints a very clear picture of the workings of Maharaji's organization.

Gywn told me that "web-people" can say whatever they want...they are anonymous and not really a source to be trusted. I responded to her that Maharaji can say whatever he wants in satellite events as well.

In fact, given the recent attempt to censor Jean-Michel's site, it appears, Maharaji can say even more.

By that action, Maharaji says to me, that Jean-Michel's site must say something he does not want exposed. What would that be? The "Aspirant Process"? The "Instructor's Manual"? The history of "knowledge" and the history of the "techniques"? I found all of these sources to be spot-on correct with my experience.

Again and again, the most convincing reasons not to ask for knowledge come from Maharaji more than any ex-premie.

Maharaji is distant, unresponsive, demanding and censorial.

Ex-premie.org is communicative, helpful, kind and open to a variety of opinions - all of which are publicly accessible.

Yes, Dayal, your silence speaks volumes; though any response is still welcome and would be appreciated.

For me, given the information I've gathered, it all comes down to me; to trust myself.

"...and you'll be alone when the sun comes up
tattered little dreams and a broken cup
then you'll have to trust yourself
and don't believe in anymore lies."

-Jim Cuddy

Sincerely,

Daneane G.