Date: Tues, Nov 17, 1998 at 20:32:52 (EST)
From: Evidence (5)
To: Nigel, Jim, JW, TD
Subject: Diane Tully
Perhaps the strangest thing about Diane Tulley's (aka.
JW) story, is not the predictable cuts they made, but the
fact they wanted to print it at all. If ever there was an
example of a miserable fucked-up premie
notenjoyinglife at all, then here she is.
Unfortunately, there are probably hundreds like her. Only an
editor who was truly guru-blinded could fail to see that
this person needs all kinds of help she is never going get
from Maharaji. She has been around for 23 years, remember.
What kind of advertisement is this?
Very strange and disturbing.
When I received knowledge 23 years ago, I dove in head first
and tried to practice as much as I could to the exclusion of
everything else. But I got so easily distracted after the
first year or so, and my life problems seemed to crash down
on me with full force.
But I have since discovered that Knowledge is still there,
whether I've been focusing on it or not. It's me that keeps
getting distracted, not knowledge. And these days, I still
experience the same doubts about Maharaji and knowledge that
I did 20 years ago. The mind never seems to go away. But if
I have faith, ignore
[MY] doubts and
judgmental thinking, [TRY TO
and focus on knowledge, [MY
VERY OWN BREATH] I get glimpses of a place
where my problems just don't seem so important.
My life has been anything but fun. I've had some good times,
but I've also had several failed relationships, both
marriages and otherwise, problems with drug and alcohol
addiction and the effects that had on any consistent career,
serious medical problems, and recurring depression. Once, I
even attempted suicide.
But I focused so much on all the wrong things. I focused on
everything that was going wrong, and on what I desired and
wrongly thought would make me happy. But through it all, I
know if I had just tried a little harder and made a little
more effort, [SURRENDERED TO
MAHARAJI MORE,] and looked away from the
negativity, I could have saved myself a lot of pain and
heartache. And knowledge is what I should always be focusing
I remember back in the 80s, sometimes I thought
[PEOPLE WHO HAD
KNOWLEDGE] were being particularly crazy or
cruel to me, and I couldn't understand or tolerate what
seemed to be going on with power struggles
[AMONG PREMIES IN 'THE
THEM]. I felt
the focus went away from the practice of knowledge, I was
ready to chuck it all. But I would sometimes say to myself:
'Don't throw the baby out with the bathwater.' When it comes
to knowledge, that's something that I've told myself a
number of times, and I think it was Maharaji's grace that
put that thought into my head. Sometimes, the baby got
thrown out anyway, but hopefully, so far, I have been able
to find it again.
Now, my problems are still there, but I can feel that
connection to Maharaji, and even if I feel suicidal, I think
about the fact that I have something to live for. I have the
opportunity to see Maharaji again and experience what he has
given me. [WHEN HE
DANCES,] I feel lifted, and sometimes when I
hear him speak, I am mesmerized and I don't even hear his
words as words. My mind becomes disengaged and the sound of
his voice just glides over me.
I forget that so much and fall into depression, but Maharaji
at least gives me the opportunity to remember. And,
throughout the rest of this life, I hope I can remember not
to throw the baby out with the bathwater.