La-ex:
Here are my answers to the questions in your
post of November 12, 2000.
1. What do you think kept so many of us
involved in such a devoted manner for so long? How
could we, and especially the PAMS (who saw so much
contradictory and hypocritical behavior) not see
through so much of this sooner?
I believe that each person has to answer this
question for him or herself. Speaking for myself, I
already answered this question when I said that my
position was a 24/7 occupation. I regularly put in
18-hour days and, even when I wasnt working,
I was always on call. After being in
this situation for years on end, my body and mind
coupled to the environment. I simply didnt
have or take the time to reflect on what I was
doing with my life in a general sense because I was
so preoccupied with getting through the next tour,
or completing the next project, or handling this or
that problem. It was an all-consuming job that left
little or no time for myself.
2. Wasn't there talk about maharaji's
drunkenness and drug use, especially since it
seemed so out of control, amongst people around
him? Were there discussions amongst good friends
about the hypocrisy of all this? And what to do
about it? Didn't people feel guilty about going out
into communities and talking it up for maharaji
when they knew that in his real life he was so
screwed up?
There was very little trust and openness among
the premies around Maharaji. I suspect that very
few considered themselves as good friends. Most
were scared of losing their positions as there were
literally dozens of premies waiting in the wings to
replace them, and Maharaji never failed to remind
people around him of that fact. Consequently, an
atmosphere of fear and competition prevented people
from really speaking what they thought or felt with
each other in case their moment of indiscretion
might get reported to Maharaji, costing them their
positions.
My position was somewhat different than most of
the premies around Maharaji. When Maharaji drank,
he often offered me a drink as well. He also
offered me cigarettes. Before I met Maharaji, I
never smoked cigarettes. Within a year of being
around him, I became addicted to cigarettes. In
time, I began asking myself why was I smoking.
Shortly thereafter I quit. I dont think
Maharaji liked that very much because he continued
to offer me cigarettes which I politely declined.
He had tried a couple of times to quit without
success and I think my refusal to join him made him
uncomfortable.
At parties and special events, Maharaji provided
drinks, champagne, wine, cigarettes and dope for
all of the x-rated staff. In this way, he co-opted
those closest to him into a conspiracy of silence
because we all got to participate, some more than
others, in his secret.
3. Were you the only one to confront maharaji
about his behavior? Did his wife confront him? Did
he get counseling, or would he even listen to a
therapist or counselor? What do you think is the
main reason for his drinking problem?
I believe I am the only person who confronted
him about his drinking. Marolyn was certainly in a
position to do so, but she found it easier to join
him in his drinking than to take issue with it.
While I was around, he never got counseling about
his drinking. You can re-read my posts about the
San Yisidro conference to get an idea about his
reactions to a form of counseling even though that
conference was not organized to address his
drinking problem.
In my post to Peter Howie yesterday I said that,
in my opinion, his excessive drinking and
profligate spending were desperate attempts to fill
a void that, according to his own teachings, only
knowledge can satisfy. In saying this, I am not
advocating anything positive about knowledge. I am
simply pointing out that Maharaji's himself behaved
in a way that strongly suggests that he did not to
believe nor practice what he preached.
4. When you said earlier that maharaji didn't
seem to care about his work or his own life, what
behaviors of his caused you to think this way? Did
you ever have an in depth talk about this with him,
as someone who cared about him?
Maharajis excessive drinking and his
profligate spending as well as his abusive behavior
especially when he was drunk led me to the
conclusion that he did not care about his life or
his work. When I confronted Maharaji about his
drinking, I did so out of love and concern for
him.
5. When you said that 'night after night' at
the residence maharaji would be getting stoned with
the premies, and that you have seen him 'countless'
times inebriated at different places...Was this
over a short period of time, like 6 months-one
year, where he may have been in turmoil over a
specific situation in his life, and then gave it
up? Or was this behavior that has gone on
continuously for years and years?
The behavior continued for years. It was not a
periodic event.
6. Are there other former PAMS that you know
that would shed more light on this situation? Would
you contact them? I'm not recommending or
requesting that you name them, or that they
identify themselves on the forum, but I do feel
that the more we know, the better off we
are...
There are definitely many PAMS who could shed
further light on this situation. I have spoken with
some of them but, for the moment at least, they are
unwilling to come forward.
Michael
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